RESOLVE is a nationwide infertility support group. They have a very active group of people that offer everything from support to updates on what’s going on in the world of fertility/infertility.
Recently, they published an article “Secondary Infertility and Miscarriages”. It talks about what secondary infertility is, and how, like general infertility, it is rarely spoke about; and even more rarely offered support.
I’ve been active in TTC and Infertility forums on Craigslist for about 4 years now, and what I’ve noticed in the other women and myself is that there’s a fear of secondary infertility. We’ve struggled so hard to do nothing but miscarry or simply never get anywhere, and there’s a fear that should we conceive and carry to term and make another attempt, that we will struggle once again, and mourn the passing of our children that were never born- again.
When confronted with a woman suffering from secondary infertility, I will honestly admit that I’m a bit bitter and jealous but my most overwhelming emotion is fear. I don’t want to be THAT person. I’ve struggled so hard and had multiple miscarriages, that I don’t want to have to go through it again. Part of my unthinking brain wants to avoid those suffering from secondary infertility like the Plague… but in reality, my thinking brain and my heart know that they’re suffering as much as I am, and possibly even more.
For me, I try to look at it like this: If they struggled for their first and decided to make a go of it for their 2nd or 3rd (or more), then it must be worth it to struggle for the 1st.
I may never get to enjoy my pregnancy if I ever manage to carry anywhere near term, and I don’t think I’ll ever again be excited to find out I’m pregnant – my third and fourth miscarriages made sure of that; but never in my life would I ever tell someone to, “Just be thankful for what you have.”
I really feel those responses are fear based. It may seem bitter and unfeeling, but in reality those comments are based in too much feeling: fear, pain, jealousy, anger, failure, despair. These are all feelings that no one in their right mind wants to experience over and over again to the point that you just expect them and they become a standard of life.
I mean, maybe I expect too much from the people I’ve encountered, and maybe it’s my own way of justifying what I feel, but I honestly,really, and truly feel that this is the case.