I think… I think I might be on the mend

Published January 21, 2011 by Hemlock

I think I’ve had a little bit of a breakthrough. I’m home today… kind of in limbo waiting for either AF or a positive pregnancy test. I’m 19DPO, at least that’s what Fertility Friend says but who really knows. I took another pregnancy test just to see what I got since the last one at 15 DPO looked like it might have had a line on it, but was most likely an evap line. Same story today. I’m not going to call the doctor since I don’t see a point, and even if it is positive, I’m not going to schedule any early appointments or have any early blood draws done. It’ll either work out, or it won’t, and nothing the doctors can do will help. So far, progesterone supplements haven’t done anything for me so I’m not worried about taking them.

The above paragraph wasn’t my breakthrough, though. When I came out of the bathroom today from peeing on the cursed stick TLC’s A Baby Story was on.

Now, after my first miscarriage I was addicted to the show in a very unhealthy way. I was obsessed with watching all these successful pregnancies and births, and it was just torture. I think I did it to myself out of Survivors Guilt, or something. Eventually, I realized that I really needed to stop, and I’ve haven’t watched the show since 2007. Sure, I’ve seen a few episodes here and there, but I’ve never sought the show out, and when it comes on I change the channel. No point in starting the cycle over again, and no point in causing myself pain.

Here I am, four years later, and it’s on again. You know what, though? I didn’t change the channel because I was legitimately interested in the outcome of the episode. I didn’t find myself angry at her for being pregnant. Instead, I found myself upset that her pregnancy and delivery didn’t go as planned and then happy for her when she finally got to meet her little one.

… Okay, maybe a smidgen jealous if I’m going to be completely honest with myself.

I think I’m okay with this turn of events. I think I’ve had a chance to settle a bit across the last four years. Each miscarriage has gotten easier to deal with. It’s unfortunate, but after five miscarriages and four years, a person can only stress out so much.

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4 comments on “I think… I think I might be on the mend

  • Good for you! I think that really does show that you’re handling things differently I’ve found myself marathoning 16 and pregnant lately in a bitter unhealthy way. I think I’ll take your cue and avoid it for a while. 🙂
    Regarding POAS – are you doing it first thing in the morning? My second BFP was mega-faint and I was almost sure it was an evap line until my obsessive googling told me that HCG is most concentrated in the morning, so it’s better to test first thing. If you haven’t done that yet, perhaps you could try it tomorrow to ease your mind?
    I like the new look, btw. 🙂

    • Thanks! I can’t quite seem to find a layout that I like, but this one might just work!

      I’ve been using FMU, and on the test this morning I swear I saw something but it still looked like an evap line. My eyes aren’t too good, though, and I’m not sure I even saw anything. I started Vitex last cycle, and everything was looking good last cycle. Went from a 36 to a 28 day cycle. This one, though, temps have been all over the place and I never got a positive OPK (possibly had one, but again eyesight is horrid) but all my other signs matched up with an O date of CD 14 which is when Fertility Friend said I O’d based on my temp shift. *shrugs* I guess I could be preggers and just be running a really, really low HCG. If AF doesn’t show up in another week or so, I’ll go to the doctor.

  • Oh gosh 5? I’m so sorry. I stumbled across your blog searching about miscarriages. My 2 year anniversary for my first is coming up next month 😦

    • 🙂 Thank you. Unfortunately, 5 isn’t very uncommon. There are several women in a forum that I belong to that have gone through upwards of 7-10 before either finally going to term, or just giving up. I’m so sorry that your 2 year anniversary is coming up… it can be very hard but I’m finding that it eventually does get a little better. There are dates that will forever be bittersweet, but you learn to take them in stride. If you ever need to talk, or bounce ideas off of someone, drop a line! I’m always willing and able to talk.

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