I think I’ve had a little bit of a breakthrough. I’m home today… kind of in limbo waiting for either AF or a positive pregnancy test. I’m 19DPO, at least that’s what Fertility Friend says but who really knows. I took another pregnancy test just to see what I got since the last one at 15 DPO looked like it might have had a line on it, but was most likely an evap line. Same story today. I’m not going to call the doctor since I don’t see a point, and even if it is positive, I’m not going to schedule any early appointments or have any early blood draws done. It’ll either work out, or it won’t, and nothing the doctors can do will help. So far, progesterone supplements haven’t done anything for me so I’m not worried about taking them.
The above paragraph wasn’t my breakthrough, though. When I came out of the bathroom today from peeing on the cursed stick TLC’s A Baby Story was on.
Now, after my first miscarriage I was addicted to the show in a very unhealthy way. I was obsessed with watching all these successful pregnancies and births, and it was just torture. I think I did it to myself out of Survivors Guilt, or something. Eventually, I realized that I really needed to stop, and I’ve haven’t watched the show since 2007. Sure, I’ve seen a few episodes here and there, but I’ve never sought the show out, and when it comes on I change the channel. No point in starting the cycle over again, and no point in causing myself pain.
Here I am, four years later, and it’s on again. You know what, though? I didn’t change the channel because I was legitimately interested in the outcome of the episode. I didn’t find myself angry at her for being pregnant. Instead, I found myself upset that her pregnancy and delivery didn’t go as planned and then happy for her when she finally got to meet her little one.
… Okay, maybe a smidgen jealous if I’m going to be completely honest with myself.
I think I’m okay with this turn of events. I think I’ve had a chance to settle a bit across the last four years. Each miscarriage has gotten easier to deal with. It’s unfortunate, but after five miscarriages and four years, a person can only stress out so much.