All posts for the month February, 2011

Quick Update!

Published February 25, 2011 by Hemlock

Hey everyone. I’ve been missing for a couple of days but didn’t want any of you to think that I was ignoring your comments on my last post. I figured that I’d give you a brief update on everything:

1. As to diet for my weight loss I’m not really ‘dieting’ so much as just making sure that I’m not mindlessly eating or munching on things. My PCOS has cursed me with this desire to at all the time. It’s not as bad when I’m closer to the 135# range. Hell, at that weight, it’s practically gone, but any higher than that I just can’t ever seem to feel full.

2. On the 23rd I was up all night feeling very ill (thought I had food poisoning) and ended up suffering a major blood sugar crash. I mean, so low that I felt like I was on drugs and drunk. I wasn’t even coherant enough to wake up Xannatos to get me a glucose pill or some peanut butter. All week I’ve been feeling like I’m just barely staying above a blood sugar crash.

3. Due to the above situation, I’ve booked an appointment with a new doctor for Monday, and plan to discuss with her what’s going on.

I feel the crash is due to the Anorexia. So, it scared me enough to really kick up my eating yesterday, and I have to admit that I was feeling better. No more waiting for the Crash. I made a point to eat primarily protein with a bit of carbs so that things were a bit smoother. I also made sure to keep drinking so I didn’t get dehydrated as badly. I got up about an hour ago, and will be headed to the kitchen for some Coffee and some Egg Drop Soup, and we’ll go from there.

I’d have to say that this is the first real ‘relapse’ of my Anorexia that I’ve had. Mind you, it’s always been a struggle, but even during all the miscarriages I didn’t really have any problems with it. I don’t know what’s different this time around.

MARIE! I got the chocolate! Thank you VERY much! I had some ready to go for you yesterday, but totally spaced on getting it out. The weather should be clear enough for me to get to the post office on Monday ūüėÄ In answer to your question, I like pretty much all chocolate (can’t stand dark, though) I’m just partial to White. Milk chocolate is nummy, though!


Does this post make me a Sub? What with all the humiliation and all….

Published February 22, 2011 by Hemlock

Nearly a month ago I announced that I would be making another attempt at losing weight. Well, I haven’t been so successful. Sure, I was pretty sick for the last two weeks with the flu, which didn’t want to go away, but that still means that there’s a couple of weeks when I could have been exercising.

So, to make another attempt at motivating myself, I’ve decided that public humilation is in order. Yes, I will post ALL of my stats. This means weight, and body measurements (and no, I didn’t cheat by sucking in my stomach, though I wish I had). I will not be posting any before and after pics as that’s just depressing and no one wants to see that. So, here we go!

All measurements/weight are with just undergarments as of 2-22-11:

  • Height: 5’2″
  • Weight: 139# (down from 142#)
  • Bust: 38.75″
  • Abdomen: 38.5″
  • Waist: 38″
  • Hips: 40″
  • Left Thigh: 23.5″
  • Right Thigh: 24″
  • Left Bicep: 11.75″
  • Right Bicep: 11.75″

I don't own this pic... it's just random but pretty close to what I was when I was at my worst.

Now, the only think I will be monitoring on a weekly basis will be my weight, but I’m going to try not to worry too much about it as it will vary depending on where I am in my cycle (yay for being a chick?), and if I’m actually managing to put on any muscle. I figure that every two weeks I’ll check inches. I’m also re-evaluating whether I need to worry so much about a goal weight so much as reducing my stomach. Courtesy of my PCOS, that’s where the bulk of my weight is, and it’s disgusting and will be the most difficult to lose.

At the same time, I need to worry about monitoring my food intake without triggering my Anorexia. That’s going to be very difficult. As it is, I’ve been up since about 10am and I haven’t eaten; not even candy or crackers… nothing. This is not a good sign for me. So, I’ll make myself some Top Ramen and make myself eat it, and try and get some fluids into me. I’ve gotten some juices for Xannatos, and I think I may just snag some of that to see if I can trigger my appetite and get some fluids into me. I’m really bad about my fluids and constantly run dehydrated. I just can’t stand water, though. Oh well, I’ll figure it out.

Part of me wonders if my struggles with getting motivated to lose weight stem out of my desire to avoid being anorexic again.  To be honest, it really scares me, and makes me wonder if I need to see someone to help me with the weight loss.  You know, like a nutritionist or something.  I dunno. I just really have issues, I guess.


Published February 21, 2011 by Hemlock

When I read this article, I debated on whether to post about it or not. You see, it has a very strong potential to rile me up and make me angry and ashamed. For those who don’t want to read the article, it basically comes down to insurance coverage for sex reassignment becoming more and more main stream. This is something that I whole heartedly agree with and think it’s wonderful that people are starting to understand, and recognize, that living in the ‘wrong’ body can be psychologically damaging. I know that people are going to disagree with me, and that’s your choice, but until you have personally known someone who feels/knows they were born in the wrong packaging then you really have no firm ground to stand on.

My guilt, though, my guilt comes from feeling a tad bit slighted. Infertility causes just as much harm psychologically, but once again we’re being tossed to the wayside. A lot of the support trans-gendered people are getting is coming from vociferous human rights groups that we simply don’t have on our side. I have personally know one person who truly felt he’d been born in the wrong shell. To be honest, I agreed with him completely and offered what support I could. To see him suffer every day and try to fit into that mold that society expected of him was very hard. In the end, the decision he made was to suffer through and become successful so he could pay for his own surgery. It acted as a driving force for him, and the last update I got from him was that he was now well on his way to becoming a very successful neurosurgeon. It’s something that he’d wanted to do his entire life, and he was doing it. I haven’t heard from him in several years as we lost touch when I left the state and purposefully lost myself in Nevada to escape a dangerous relationship.

I have to admit that I’m extremely jealous of him because there’s something that can be done for him to make the world right. When it comes to infertility, there’s not much that can happen. Yes, there are some states that have required fertility coverage, but they aren’t many and most only cover the very basic diagnostic testing and procedures (most exclude IVF and PGD testing unless your genetics call for it). In Nevada there are no laws regarding required coverage, it just happens that Xannatos works for one of the most powerful companies in the state so they’ve got money. However, our insurance doesn’t cover what the RE wants us to do, IVF and Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD testing), so we’re pretty much screwed. We might be able to somehow get financing for the IVF, but the PGD testing isn’t something that can be financed, and unless we suddenly discover one of us is from Jewish ancestry, the PGD won’t be covered – ever.

A quick search on the internet shows that most people feel that having children is a choice and that you can live a childless existence just fine. Is that true? Yes. Do we make a choice to have children? Yes. However, the fact of the matter is that infertility is not a choice. At the least, my diagnosis should be covered and in my head, a proper diagnosis includes everything that can be done to see about getting a successful pregnancy. If I try IVF and get the PGD testing done and I still can’t carry, then fine, I don’t care about my coverage (though, I should get a couple of tries considering the actual success rates of healthy people normally). Hell, I mean, if a child is not a requirement, then if you continue with that line of thought shouldn’t your maternity coverage and birth coverage be thrown out the window? I mean, in the end you made the choice to conceive, and if you had an oops! pregnancy then you made the choice to keep it. *shrugs*

Dunno, guess I’m just a bit bitter. The Resolve organisation is a wonderful group, however, they’re just not loud enough. Xannatos thinks I should write a book about my journey, and how it’s affected me (from depression to losing my job over it). Maybe he’s right. I mean, a movement can’t get louder if more people don’t scream. Right?

Dragon Age Crushes and Hermit Crabs

Published February 13, 2011 by Hemlock

Alrighty… so I’ve¬†definitely¬†fallen behind on my posting, but in my defense it’s been a bit of a rough week. ¬†On Thursday, Xannatos picked up my progesterone so that I could start my drop-off run and jump start AF. ¬†Well, that night I started spotting so we decided to hold off on the medication to see what would happen and guess what? ¬†I had some of the worst cramps I’ve had in a while. ¬†You know, like the kind that make your feet go out from underneath you. ¬†The unfortunate part, is that AF lasted literally hours. ¬†I kid you not… just a few hours, and then she was gone. ¬†The hormonal aspects of AF are still here; at least that’s all I can figure. ¬†I’m just generally depressed and seriously hormotional.

You know how horomotional I am? ¬†Check this out: ¬†We picked up the Ultimate Edition of Dragon Age: Origins (which, by the way, is turning out to be awesome) on Friday, I think, and I now have a serious crush on this guy in the game. ¬†Yes, I know, a totally geeked out thing to do but I have a history of this (Raistlin Majere from DragonLance, Mal from Firefly, Data and Worf from TNG, Joselyn from the Kushiel Trilogy, and many more… what can I say? ¬†I LOVE fictional characters). ¬†I mean, how is it possible to not fall in love with this guy? ¬†He’s just the cutest (in that “Awwwwww” sort of way), most awkward, bumbling yet capable character I’ve seen in a game. ¬†Oh, forgot to mention that the guy is hot and his voice is even hotter! ¬†Yeah, pathetic I know.

Back to what I was saying, though. ¬†I’m playing the game, and the romance is blossoming between my character and his, and then it hits me. ¬†This isn’t going to end well. Nope… no sirrreee… this isn’t going to end well. ¬†Now, this is where the ‘meta’ thinking gets me into trouble. ¬†I’m already feeling incredibly depressed, and now I can’t stop my brain from coming up with every bad ending that could possibly happen in this game and it makes me not so happy. ¬†Like, really, really not happy. ¬†I know he’s just a fictional character but I don’t want to lose him, or have him die! I got so upset that I just wanted to cry, and this made me feel even more horrible because I wanted to cry over a fictional character! ¬†If you really think about it, though, it just shows what an awesome job the developers did with his character. ¬†They’ve done such a great job at character development that this guy has essentially become real! ¬†The sex scene is really quite well done… very touching and romantic. ¬†Honestly, it is!

I got my ChocoBuddy! ¬†Yay! ¬†MommyOdd has done such a wonderful job, and I think this idea is absolutly brilliant! ¬†I really do! ¬†So, here’s a shout-out to my ChocoBuddy over at the Bakery! It’s nice to know that there’s someone close (even if she is in the state next door). Sometimes it seems like we’re all just floating around in the blogsphere, and somehow this makes it all more real.

OH! Xannatos and I discovered Hermit Crabs on Saturday night. Seriously, these little guys are awesome! We were out looking for a new cage for two of our birds, and for whatever reason Xannatos wandered off (that’s usually my job) and as he’s walking by this nifty little terrarium setup he sees something fall out of the corner of his eye. Well, it turns out that it was a Hermit Crab. These little guys apparently love to climb. We’re thinking about getting some, but Xannatos is on the fence post about adding more animals to the Zoo. I, of course, am all for it. If I had any say in the matter, we’d have one of every animal on the planet. Either way, whether we get them now or not, I’m not concerned. They’ll probably end up in the house eventually, if not immediately! They’re just too cool.


Published February 7, 2011 by Hemlock

I’m sitting at my local Border’s Bookstore and I’m supposed to be doing homework. I’ll be blunt, it’s not the most engaging topic to study, but the origin of mass media is important to understand in journalistic society.

When it comes to studying stuff of this nature, I find myself frequently taking a brief moment to look about me, hrough the window across from me and take in what I can in the most unobtrusive way. I really just let it soak in.

It’s especially hard for me to concentrate today due to some extremely unfortunate news I received; three things really. The first being that I’m not pregnant. This, in and of itself, was expected but it’s hard not to be let down just a little. Second, this means my PCOS is acting up and this isn’t good. I stopped taking the Metformin/Glumetza because of how sick it was making me. Yes, it was working, but what good is it doing when I’m literally ill every waking, and even every sleeping, moment? Lastly, my old dog Otter will most likely be put to sleep today. She lives with my mom, and she’s so old we’ve all lost track of how old she actually is. About a week or so ago, she sneezed some blood so she was taken to the vet and told that it was most likely just an infection of some sort so she was sent on her way with antibiotics. Well, apparently today she started sneezing and this started a bloody nose they couldn’t get stopped at home. So off to the vet she goes again. The vet is now officially thinking Cancer. It’s been on the table for about a year now, but this is the first real documented outward sign of an issue. Ultrasounds and tests had been done previously, but nothing came back definitive. So, considering her age, my mother has decided that she’ll most likely put her to sleep instead of having to really watch her suffer like Xannatos and I had to do with Tsuki. I envy the ability my mother has to keep her dog from feeling the pain of that horrible disease. It all went so fast with Tsuki that we never had the option. By the time we knew what was going on, she was ready to pass on her own… this lasted only 2-3 months from the time of “something not right” to ” this is intestinal lymphoma”.

It’s times like these that it’s very easy to forget how beautiful the world is. This is something that I don’t normally notice. My vision isn’t the best, particularly my long distance vision. Once you get about 3-4 feet away my vision starts to blur and eventually just looks like some impressionistic painting. I don’t even have the same depth of color that I used to and glasses are a nightmare for me. My view of life, in general, was about like my vision.

Today, though… today I had a physical reminder of how vibrant life can be. I have some new contacts that I’m trying out, and when I looked up for the first time after a bit of reading it really caught me off guard. Everything was so sharp and in focus… I could see colors where before there had been only dull impressions. This is the first time I’ve been able to see clearly in, literally, years.

So, despite the negatives of the day, I thought back to the positives of the day: Waking up with my husband beside me, the big goofy grin my pup greeted me with this morning, the new shampoo and conditioner I bought (that makes me smell like cookies!), and best of all the fact that I got to have lunch with my husband and a friend today (who apparently mutates my blogs into some Brittish woman… at least I have a cool accent now?!).

Remembering the positive makes it easier to remember that everything works out in the end. Granted, it may not work out how I would prefer it, but that’s okay. I guess sometimes we just need that physical reminder.

Blood tests and MMO’s

Published February 4, 2011 by Hemlock

So, I had an appointment with my OBGyn today and she sent me out for a Beta-hcg test. ¬†She thinks that there’s a strong possibility that I might be pregnant due to ovulating late. ¬†I told her what was going on with my temps, and she thinks that based upon my history it’s entirely possible that I started to ovulate but something postponed it until later in my cycle. ¬†She also said it’s a possibility that I had a true chemical pregnancy wherein sperm and egg faked out my hormones enough to delay AF but didn’t produce enough HCG to trigger a positive on a HPT. ¬†Lastly, she said it was also possible that my PCOS is acting up a little, but that my ovaries felt fine, and since I wasn’t experiencing any pain at all she doubts that it’s a cyst. ¬†So, we’ll know more on Monday when she calls. ¬†If it comes back negative on Monday she’ll start me on something to bring on AF.

In other news, I was accepted into one of the Rift closed beta test today! ¬†So far, I’m really enjoying it. ¬†The game reminds me strongly of a combination of EverQuest (before Sony Online broke it), and EverQuest II. ¬†I don’t know too much about graphics at this point as my computer isn’t capable of doing anything but their lowest setting, but it’s not bothering me at all. ¬†Frankly, the¬†game-play¬†is engaging enough that I haven’t even noticed the graphics quality (or lack thereof). ¬†There are tons of classes and class combos to choose from, and overall actually seems to be quite polished for a beta run. ¬†I believe that their release date is sometime later this month, and I’m quite tempted to keep playing. ¬†I was also involved in the WoW closed and open beta (and DnD Online alpha testing) and can honestly say that my experience with Rift has been much more enjoyable. ¬† ¬†The mobs actually require some thought in order to defeat them in noob areas, and the leveling is realistic. ¬†It took me about 1.5 hours or so to go from level 1 to level 6. ¬†In WoW I can level a character from 1-6 in 30 minutes. ¬† The quests are also a bit more streamlined and build off of each other very well. ¬†You don’t find yourself running back and forth between quest givers an insane amount; basically, even though you’re technically grinding, it doesn’t feel like it. ¬†If they send me to an area to do the quest, they give me all of the quests for that specific location. ¬†I also haven’t felt like I’ve been doing the same quest over, and over, and over again. ¬†It’s a nice change.

I don’t have a catchy title

Published February 3, 2011 by Hemlock

I don’t understand all of the craziness around the Superbowl. ¬†It probably doesn’t help that I despise American Football with a passion.

Complaint 1: I understand that plays are important, but if there is a 200# linebacker headed your way, for Christ’s sake get out of the way… don’t just run in the predicted manner and get taken out. ¬†I know the rules say you can’t run backwards, but you can run¬†parallel¬†to whatever imaginary line they’ve set up, and you can run a friggin’ zig zag! ¬†I mean, my understanding is that the game comes down to a single major point… that of scoring points. ¬†This is where moving in some unpredictable way comes in handy? ¬†I’ve been told this has something to do with the plays and that the only way to protect the ball is to know where it is. ¬†Well, did it never occur to them that they can’t score if they don’t have control of the ball?

Complaint 2: It doesn’t take any skill. ¬†Really, it doesn’t, and you’ll never change my mind. ¬†All they do is run and throw a ball. ¬†Sure, they have to remember different plays, but the game doesn’t require any independent thought. ¬†It’s not that complicated of a game. ¬†Hell, the cheerleaders are more skilled than the players that they’re cheering on.

Complaint 3: Unnecessary¬†Roughness. ¬†Someone, please explain this one to me! ¬†When you’re padded up to the freaking nines, how does that even become a possibility. ¬†I mean, maybe the padding gets in the way and actually causes more harm than good?

Personally, I think American Football is just some strange convoluted government conspiracy to control people. ¬†I mean, think about it, it’s a sport that requires only the team leader do any thinking, while their minions simply do as they’re told and run¬†heedlessly¬†into some sort of danger.