This post about Easter is going to offend you…

Published April 24, 2011 by Hemlock

So, today is Easter.  Yup!  Today is the day that you will do one of three things:

1. You will celebrate the resurrection of the Messiah.
If that’s your sort of thing, today you will be celebrating the fact that a bunch of people sacrificed a human (or is he really human? I mean, maybe half human? He is the son of God and last I read He’s not human… anyways) sooooo perfect that he was able to be the Ultimate Sacrifice for everyone’s sins and then rise from the dead three days later (today, for those that are counting).

2. You will ply your children with loads of candy and then lie to them about it.
We seem to enjoy lieing to our youth, and then wonder where they learn to lie. When they’re younger, we tell them that there’s a giant man-sized Easter Bunny Stranger who sneaks into their home while they’re sleeping (or, as it happens, at church for the only time they’ll go that year) and gives them truck loads of candy. He may give it in a single basket, or he may hide it around any given location in fake plastic eggs. Last I remember from being a kid, I was told not to take candy from a stranger. Am I the only one who sees that the Easter Bunny has a bit of a Furry Fetish and enjoys little kids just a little too much?

3. Recognize that Jesus was actually a zombie.
Yes, I said it. I just haven’t decided who would be Patient Zero. I mean, Jesus performed a miracle by raising Lazarus of Bethany from the dead on Day 4. The question is, though, did Jesus somehow infect Lazarus or was Lazarus the first zombie and somehow infected Jesus?

In closing, I really hope that no matter what you feel, or believe, you have a wonderful day biting the heads off of chocolate baby Jesus’ and encouraging your children in the idea that it’s ok not to be afraid of that pedophile who enjoys being a Furry and having little children sitting on his lap so that he can keep pictures of them for later… Oh, and don’t forget to start your stockpile of food and weapons. I know my weapon of choice is a real Japanese Katana!  I’ve used a blade enough that I think I could use it effectively.

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4 comments on “This post about Easter is going to offend you…

    • 😀 I was raised in a Christian home as well, and when people hear me refer to Jesus as a zombie I swear that their eyes bug out and I get this, “How could you SAY such a thing!”

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