Published June 21, 2011 by Hemlock

First of all, sorry for not responding to comments… things have been a bit, errrr, hectic.

I wish I had better news, but I don’t.  On Wednesday I contacted my RE to see about possibly going onto Heparin due to a positive ANA test I had done (was tested for Rheumatoid Arthritis).  In the end he said no, put me on 200mg of Prometrium and sent me out for a blood test.  I got the results the following day but knew before then that it wasn’t going to happen.  I’d started cramping shortly after I left my appointment.  My numbers came back at 54.  They wanted another blood draw done on Friday morning so that we could get the results back that day, but since I already knew what the outcome would be Xannatos and I decided to sleep in and go later in the day.  The cramps were getting increasingly insistent.

I started bleeding last night.  The RE called this afternoon and let me know that my numbers were down to 8.  In 48 hours they had plummeted.

I’ve only had one dose of pain killers.  Xannatos keeps trying to get me to take some, or have a beer, but I’ve been refusing.  I guess it’s because I want to experience something related to this pregnancy.  I’m so numb right now, and the pain is the only thing really grounding me right now.  It doesn’t make much sense, I know.  It makes sense to me, though.

I don’t know how many more of these I can go through.  This is my 6th documented miscarriage.  I haven’t cried this time… I don’t know if that’s good or bad.  I don’t know if it’ll happen.  Xannatos and I had a talk a couple of weeks ago; I was thinking about the fact that if something were to happen and our relationship didn’t survive the lack of kids, he would be able to go on and have children.  He pointed out that he loves me and has made the choice to possibly live a childless existence.  I know what he’s trying to say, but at the same time I feel like a person with a devastating disease like HIV/AIDS.  He may be making the choice now, but if something does happen, the option for children is always there.  For me, I’m faced with the fact that I will never have children.  I know we’ll make it, but if we don’t… well, like that person with HIV having to tell their partner that they’re incurably ill; I’ll have to tell my partner that if they’re with me there will be no children.

I’m rambling.

I restarted my Zoloft, and I will be going back on birth control as soon as my numbers hit zero (which I know they have, but the RE wants another blood draw done on Tuesday morning to verify).  So, I will be saying ‘goodbye’ to my sex drive and my sanity.  Maybe the Zoloft will enable me to not be crazy on my birth control?  Who knows.


11 comments on “Update

  • oh gosh I am more than sorry to read this..i havnt had time lately to read much these days..weeks ..i am very touched that u right about ur experiences.. ur are very brave..u really are.I have had only one miscarriage..but i couldnt reall write about it.,
    why r u two not thinking abput adoption..is this no option for you? I am sure u would be a wonderful mom-.-and you can be..even without pregnancy..

    • Hi Annie… we’ve thought about adoption but it’s not an option for us right now. The initial costs are just too expensive. Maybe down the road quite a ways it will be, but not now or in the near future.

  • Hello dear, I’m new to your blog. I wanted to send my condolences and thank you for sharing the fears about your husband. This runs around in my brain often and so many people just look at me and say, “Don’t be silly!” But they are fertile. It is strangely, sadly comforting to know that I’m not alone in these moments. My thoughts are with you during this time. Stay strong.

  • Leave a Reply

    Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

    WordPress.com Logo

    You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

    Google+ photo

    You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

    Twitter picture

    You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

    Facebook photo

    You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


    Connecting to %s

    %d bloggers like this: