Infertility

All posts in the Infertility category

Baby Steps

Published February 23, 2012 by Hemlock

We’ve all heard the news about Mo and it’s heartbreaking, however, I’ve found that I need to separate myself from it a bit.  Maybe it’s a bit selfish, but the more I thought about what happened to her, the more I thought about the possibility of it happening to me.

I can’t handle that possibility right now.

I’m back on my meds, and I’m glad.  I feel a bit more stable and put together, though it concerns me.  I worry that I won’t be able to stop them, and then I worry about what kind of effect that’s going to have on any potential pregnancies.  It’s the struggle in my brain of knowing that being depressed while pregnant isn’t good, but then there’s the risk of birth defects… *sigh*

Anyways, I know that right now I need to be on my meds.  I was quickly spiraling into a dark pit and didn’t realize it.  I was flipping between moods constantly, I was eating continually (I put on about 10# in a month), I wasn’t cleaning the house, and I was snapping at my dog.  If I had gotten pregnant, I don’t think I could have handled another miscarriage.  I wouldn’t have committed suicide or anything, but I don’t think the results would have been good.

I freely admit that my outlook on TTC is grim.  After the number of unsuccessful pregnancies I’ve had, it’s inevitable.  I don’t really know how I feel about that.  Part of me wants to stay positive, but there’s a part of me that wants, and needs, to stay realistic.  I worry about what will happen if I do manage to hold onto a pregnancy… will I be able to bond with my unborn child?  Am I doomed to suffer from post-partum depression?

When I was active on the Craigslist forums, there was a woman who, like me, had suffered through 6 or 7 miscarriages before she finally went on to have a baby boy.  She disappeared for a while, but a few months later I was able to get into contact with her, and found out that she’d been through some serious post-partum issues but was doing better.  Am I doomed to this as well?

I don’t know… only time will tell.  All I know, now, is that I need to take baby steps.  First and foremost, I need to get myself under control and I need to drop weight.  I’ve opted for the non-medicated PCOSer’s path, so I need to get my insulin levels under control, and the only way I can do that is to drop some weight and get a handle on my eating.

Baby steps, right?

Oh No…

Published February 21, 2012 by Hemlock

I originally was going to post about my own issues today, but after reading Elphie’s update/post about Mo, my issues now seem insignificant.  My heart aches for her, and I can’t possibly imagine the pain and suffering she’s going through right now.  To finally get this far, and then have it all come crashing down.  I don’t know what I would do in her place.

On a side note, I’m back on my happy pills.  I was incredibly hyper-emotional, and was spiraling downhill very quickly.  Again, though, it all seems quite insignificant compared to what Mo is going through.

Multipass?

Published January 27, 2012 by Hemlock

Things are going pretty good over here.  I’ve had some short, but meaningful, discussions with Xannatos about how I’m doing now that I’m completely off of the medication.  I admit that sometimes I wish I were back on the Zoloft, but after talking with Hubby I’ve decided that I don’t need it anymore, and I’m using it more as a crutch.

I did have a horrible-almostwentbackonmymeds-day last Friday.  It was scary.  Really scary, and I began to question a lot of things.  Mocha, our oldest remaining cat has been going through some serious health related issues due to the medication for her Hyperthyroidism, and we came close to losing her.  It was rough, and it was too much.  She’s ok now, and everything’s back to normal – mostly.  She’s completely off of her meds, and when our tax return comes in I’ll be taking her to Oregon for I-131 treatment to get rid of the Hyperthyroidism since she can’t take any medication to manage the disease.

Also, with Xannatos’ support, I’m looking into going back to school for Pre-Vet.  It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but I admit that I’m a little hesitant because I don’t know how it’s going to affect the whole baby thing.  The responsible thing for me to do would be to hold off until I’m completely out of school, but that’s going to take me at least 8-10 years and, frankly, I don’t really see that as an option.  I’m already having enough issues, and I don’t need to add to it me being close to, or in, my 40’s.

Such a handsome boy!

Lastly, on my completely horrible day last Friday, I went to the local Humane Society and met a sweet little kitten named Diego.  I didn’t go looking for a new cat, I just wanted some kitten-antics to help cheer me up, but I should have known better.  He had been returned the day before because the woman who adopted him earlier that week brought him back because he just wasn’t ‘flashy’ enough!  Can you believe that?  Seriously, what a fucktard.

He’s been renamed Corbin Dallas, and is currently quarantined in my sewing room with the birds and rats.  He had a bit of a lesson with Turtle (one of my rats) who it turns out is going a bit senile, and he’s leaving the birds alone for the most part.  His first trial has been Terra, our dog.

She's a little gun shy post "Thwap"!One thing you need to know about Terra is that she’s a huge Love, and her best friend is our cat, Kira.  When I first introduced the new kitten to her two days ago, she went up to him nose-first and scared the crap out of the kitten and his response was to thwap her across the nose.  It really caught the dog off guard!

... Almost... There...However, she wasn’t about to let that get in the way of making friends. Across roughly 6-7 hours, she inched ever closer to the new addition. I kid you not! This dog started at the doorway by the rat cages, and every little bit would move an inch or so closer to the kitten who was laying in the dog’s bed underneath my ironing board. By the end of the day, she had gotten so far as actually touching the bed without him hissing. As of last night, as long as she doesn’t move too quickly, Corbin is alright with her, and he’s even taken to attacking the tip of her tail. She doesn’t quite know what to make of that, as she knows it’ll just be another scratch if she looks at him, but you can tell she’s quite pleased at the contact!

He'd just discovered the birds...Lastly, Corbin went to the vet for some sniffles. The vet thinks it’s most likely a reaction to all the dander in the room, but considering Mocha, she wanted to hit him with an oral antibiotic and some eye goop. He’s not too thrilled about that, to say the least. I also asked her if he was actually 8 weeks old or not. She agreed that he was quite large at almost 4 pounds, but his teeth are very much those of an 8 week old kitten. So, she said that normally, a kitten gains one pound a month, but that in his case he’s just going to be a big cat. He’s a solid little boy, without an ounce of fat on him!

Bittersweet

Published January 14, 2012 by Hemlock

I think I’m doing better today.  The stress of last night has messed up my system a bit so I’m a bit queasy and having to force myself to eat (gotta love homemade ginger tea).  Other than that, I feel a bit more stable and was able to pop onto Facebook today and see my friend’s post and actually feel a bit of bittersweet happiness for her… it’s a step in the right direction.

Today, I plan on eating a couple of Double Cheeseburgers from Burger King, and continuing my therapy of Skyrim, possibly some Dark Ages of Camelot, and quite possibly watch some Firefly!  I have absolutely no plans to exercise today!

It really is interesting to see the kind of perspective you can gain by simply taking a time out and sleeping it off.  It still hurts, but it’s ok.

Fitness Day 4

Published January 10, 2012 by Hemlock

I didn't create this comic, and don't own it!

Yeah, I know, I missed the posts for Days 1-3. Nothing very eventful happened those day other than me discovering that I’m not as flexible as I was a 16, and then becoming incredibly sore to the point that I couldn’t move! I did discover, though, that your hamstrings are there to offer stability and support and if they’re compromised balancing during walking, getting out of bed, or off the couch or toilet is an interesting experience.

A Quick Summary

  • Day 1: 30 min of Hatha Yoga
  • Day 2: 30 min of Hatha Yoga (thought doing some more yoga might help the soreness… not sure it was a good idea)
  • Day 3: 30 min on our new semi-recumbent bike. Averaged about 12mph and avg heart rate between 115-120bpm, and depending on how you calculate things, I burned between 300-500 calories.

Now, onto Day 4…
Soundtrack

I benched a whopping 20# plus the bar, curled another 10#, did some wall pushups, and attempted some other stuff, but my legs just couldn’t handle it… too sore.

 

Overall Summary – My starting weight is 150#.  This is the heaviest I’ve been in years.  Gotta love those depression meds.  When I started them, I had the wonderful side effect of having no appetite and I went from 140# down to nearly 125#.  At about the 6 month mark on the Zoloft, I ballooned up to 150#.  It wasn’t that I was eating any more than I had been previously, or that I was eating any worse.  If anything, I’d been eating better!    Anyways, I don’t look too heavy, but courtesy of my PCOS, it has all settled  around my belly.  In the last month or two I’ve been asked several times how far along I am.  *Face Palm*  Xannataos says to take it this way: At least I’m not one of those people that’s plump all over and obviously overweight.   I get what he’s saying, and in a way it does make me feel better (does that make me a bad person?).

 

Anyways, tomorrow is Cardio Day, so I’m going to try to do about 60 minutes on the bike!  Wish me luck!

Back From My Mini-Vacation

Published January 4, 2012 by Hemlock

Ocean view from my car window!

My trip to Santa Cruz went well.  I ate good food, and saw interesting people.  Admitedly, it was a bit strange being on ‘vacation’ without Xannatos, but he wasn’t able to go with me (thank you, Mocha!) and he was right in thinking that I needed a little bit of a break from everything.

The drive down was pretty uneventful and I made good time.  I had a chance to meet my tattoo artist and go over some stuff, and in the end we opted to keep the general idea that I was going for, but we ended up completely re-working the tattoo.

I lucked out and ended up with an actual Artist, and I can honestly say that he’ll be completeing my sleeve.  He’s very into the meaning behind the images, and why I’m getting my tattoo.  In addition, I’m getting a good deal since he’s so inspired and the work is turning out so well (pics of good tattoos are worth more than gold in the tattoo world!).

Flash art I went in with

I’ve been very anti-koi tattoos for a long time as it seems that EVERYONE has one, but once I got in and did some research on them and their meaning, I fell in love.  Traditionally, a Koi swims upstream which represents courage and strength against adversity.  In addition we added some water to represent change and rebirth, and the lotus flower (not sure you can see it very well in the pictures) represents overcoming a hard time in life (though I’m not completely over it, but the fact that I can recognize that now says something).  In the end, my sleeve will also have a boulder/rock in it with a Japanese Red Crane standing on it representing wisdom, balance, communication, independence, and fertility.  Lastly, there will most likely be bamboo coming up behind the crane representing strength of character (it bends but doesn’t break).  This isn’t all set in stone (or skin) yet, but this is the general idea that we’re going with.

This is what we ended up with

Rotating my arm...

A bit blurry, but you get the point!

Time For A Reboot

Published December 24, 2011 by Hemlock

I think it’s time for a fresh start.  I’ve been AWOL for quite a wile now, and I think I’ve gained some perspective on myself.

Shortly after my 6th miscarriage back in June, I finally broke and talked to my doctor at the time about starting some Happy Pills.  That same day I started 50mg of Zoloft each day.  It took a bit for it to kick in (and there were… Issues while waiting), and there were some unfortunate side effects to going on it, but I think it was worth it.

Admittedly, I started drinking a bit too often.  I used the excuse of new friends to justify it, but really, I was just hiding.  I wasn’t a full blown alcoholic or anything, and in the grand scheme of things I wasn’t drinking any more than the average person, but my intent was different.  I was drinking to finally allow myself to relax and feel something, and then in turn used it as a way to hide from what I was trying to feel.

I’ve always been a pretty emotionally withdrawn person.  In my family, you deal with a situation or crisis and then you deal with the emotional repercussions.  For me, my crisis hadn’t ended so I was stuck in this trap of dysfunctional coping.  I didn’t want to feel, but at the same time I was horrified by the fact that I seemed unable to feel anything.

In the end, I began searching for any reason to have a beer, or two, or more… maybe pop a Vicodin for good measure.  It didn’t end well.  My last night of real ‘drinking’ I ended up needing a ride home from work (I had a temp job working in a casino).  I had gone out drinking with a co-worker, and purposefully had too many.  I don’t remember the order too well, but at some point I called both my step dad and Xannatos.  I needed a ride home.  In the end, Xannatos was really pissed off, and my step-dad showed up with my youngest sister to take me home.

By the time I got home, I was convinced my marriage and my life were over.  Either that night, or the following, we had a huge fight.  Again, I don’t remember much of it… I was a lot further gone than I thought.  In the end, I’m pretty sure I admitted to Xannatos what was going on and we talked.  He admitted to not realizing how hard everything had hit me.

I believe it was that scenario that finally led me to get some help.

It took a few weeks for the meds to kick in, but when they finally did it was like there was finally hope.  I was able to successfully avoid the obsession of my miscarriages and focus on other things.  Maybe it’s not the most healthy way of doing things, but it worked out for me in the end.

There’s more to this story, and when I’m feeling up to it, I’ll write some more.  However, my reboot has officially started.  At the beginning of December, I talked with my new doctor and with Xannatos about getting off of the Zoloft.  It’s been a bit of a roller coaster, but I’ve been able to deal with it.  I’m not perfect yet, but there’s been some steps towards healing.  I successively encountered my first baby in 6 months.  That’s right, I had become a shut-in when it came to babies.  It hurt, and it was bittersweet, but I’m ok.

On Monday, I’m headed to the Bay Area to visit my grandparents, and I’m getting my ‘memorial/motivational’ tattoo.  It’s going to take up most of my forearm, and I’m in love it it.  I’ve tried several times in the last 6 months to get a tattoo, and I’m glad that each time it didn’t work out.  I don’t think I was ready to take that step.

I am now.