Published January 13, 2012 by Hemlock

I’ve been temporarily stalled in my exercise routine… to an extent.  The sorenes sin my hamstrings and my pelvis wasn’t going away, and I discovered why that was the case when I went to the chiropractor yesterday.

Apparently, I threw my lower back and hips out.  The most likely culprit was the Yoga I did.  I was so locked up that my chiropractor, we’ll call him Dr. Halo, was unable to get anything to move.  That’s saying something, too.  Dr. Halo is a very solidly build man.  So, I got some extra Stim, and a bit of a run on ‘The Rack’ before leaving.  Almost immediately, though, I was able to walk without pain, so I believe that I had some sort of  pinched nerve.

I was also instructed that I’m not 16 anymore, and that if I think I can do it, I probably can’t at this point!  Since I was so active in gymnastics and equestrian sports when I was younger, he expects that it won’t take me that long to get back to where I was, but I’m to do just standard stretching for the time being and work on getting my core strength back before I try the yoga again.  

So, it’s like exercise for a bit, and then back on to some harder stuff.  I’m kinda bummed, as I was finding that the exercise was doing a lot to lift my mood.  So, since I can’t really exercise, I’ve been listening to music and beebopping around the house.

OH!  For you Skyrim fans out there, I’m sure you’ve heard this already, but if not, you’ll like it!



Fitness Day 4

Published January 10, 2012 by Hemlock

I didn't create this comic, and don't own it!

Yeah, I know, I missed the posts for Days 1-3. Nothing very eventful happened those day other than me discovering that I’m not as flexible as I was a 16, and then becoming incredibly sore to the point that I couldn’t move! I did discover, though, that your hamstrings are there to offer stability and support and if they’re compromised balancing during walking, getting out of bed, or off the couch or toilet is an interesting experience.

A Quick Summary

  • Day 1: 30 min of Hatha Yoga
  • Day 2: 30 min of Hatha Yoga (thought doing some more yoga might help the soreness… not sure it was a good idea)
  • Day 3: 30 min on our new semi-recumbent bike. Averaged about 12mph and avg heart rate between 115-120bpm, and depending on how you calculate things, I burned between 300-500 calories.

Now, onto Day 4…

I benched a whopping 20# plus the bar, curled another 10#, did some wall pushups, and attempted some other stuff, but my legs just couldn’t handle it… too sore.


Overall Summary – My starting weight is 150#.  This is the heaviest I’ve been in years.  Gotta love those depression meds.  When I started them, I had the wonderful side effect of having no appetite and I went from 140# down to nearly 125#.  At about the 6 month mark on the Zoloft, I ballooned up to 150#.  It wasn’t that I was eating any more than I had been previously, or that I was eating any worse.  If anything, I’d been eating better!    Anyways, I don’t look too heavy, but courtesy of my PCOS, it has all settled  around my belly.  In the last month or two I’ve been asked several times how far along I am.  *Face Palm*  Xannataos says to take it this way: At least I’m not one of those people that’s plump all over and obviously overweight.   I get what he’s saying, and in a way it does make me feel better (does that make me a bad person?).


Anyways, tomorrow is Cardio Day, so I’m going to try to do about 60 minutes on the bike!  Wish me luck!

Back From My Mini-Vacation

Published January 4, 2012 by Hemlock

Ocean view from my car window!

My trip to Santa Cruz went well.  I ate good food, and saw interesting people.  Admitedly, it was a bit strange being on ‘vacation’ without Xannatos, but he wasn’t able to go with me (thank you, Mocha!) and he was right in thinking that I needed a little bit of a break from everything.

The drive down was pretty uneventful and I made good time.  I had a chance to meet my tattoo artist and go over some stuff, and in the end we opted to keep the general idea that I was going for, but we ended up completely re-working the tattoo.

I lucked out and ended up with an actual Artist, and I can honestly say that he’ll be completeing my sleeve.  He’s very into the meaning behind the images, and why I’m getting my tattoo.  In addition, I’m getting a good deal since he’s so inspired and the work is turning out so well (pics of good tattoos are worth more than gold in the tattoo world!).

Flash art I went in with

I’ve been very anti-koi tattoos for a long time as it seems that EVERYONE has one, but once I got in and did some research on them and their meaning, I fell in love.  Traditionally, a Koi swims upstream which represents courage and strength against adversity.  In addition we added some water to represent change and rebirth, and the lotus flower (not sure you can see it very well in the pictures) represents overcoming a hard time in life (though I’m not completely over it, but the fact that I can recognize that now says something).  In the end, my sleeve will also have a boulder/rock in it with a Japanese Red Crane standing on it representing wisdom, balance, communication, independence, and fertility.  Lastly, there will most likely be bamboo coming up behind the crane representing strength of character (it bends but doesn’t break).  This isn’t all set in stone (or skin) yet, but this is the general idea that we’re going with.

This is what we ended up with

Rotating my arm...

A bit blurry, but you get the point!

Time For A Reboot

Published December 24, 2011 by Hemlock

I think it’s time for a fresh start.  I’ve been AWOL for quite a wile now, and I think I’ve gained some perspective on myself.

Shortly after my 6th miscarriage back in June, I finally broke and talked to my doctor at the time about starting some Happy Pills.  That same day I started 50mg of Zoloft each day.  It took a bit for it to kick in (and there were… Issues while waiting), and there were some unfortunate side effects to going on it, but I think it was worth it.

Admittedly, I started drinking a bit too often.  I used the excuse of new friends to justify it, but really, I was just hiding.  I wasn’t a full blown alcoholic or anything, and in the grand scheme of things I wasn’t drinking any more than the average person, but my intent was different.  I was drinking to finally allow myself to relax and feel something, and then in turn used it as a way to hide from what I was trying to feel.

I’ve always been a pretty emotionally withdrawn person.  In my family, you deal with a situation or crisis and then you deal with the emotional repercussions.  For me, my crisis hadn’t ended so I was stuck in this trap of dysfunctional coping.  I didn’t want to feel, but at the same time I was horrified by the fact that I seemed unable to feel anything.

In the end, I began searching for any reason to have a beer, or two, or more… maybe pop a Vicodin for good measure.  It didn’t end well.  My last night of real ‘drinking’ I ended up needing a ride home from work (I had a temp job working in a casino).  I had gone out drinking with a co-worker, and purposefully had too many.  I don’t remember the order too well, but at some point I called both my step dad and Xannatos.  I needed a ride home.  In the end, Xannatos was really pissed off, and my step-dad showed up with my youngest sister to take me home.

By the time I got home, I was convinced my marriage and my life were over.  Either that night, or the following, we had a huge fight.  Again, I don’t remember much of it… I was a lot further gone than I thought.  In the end, I’m pretty sure I admitted to Xannatos what was going on and we talked.  He admitted to not realizing how hard everything had hit me.

I believe it was that scenario that finally led me to get some help.

It took a few weeks for the meds to kick in, but when they finally did it was like there was finally hope.  I was able to successfully avoid the obsession of my miscarriages and focus on other things.  Maybe it’s not the most healthy way of doing things, but it worked out for me in the end.

There’s more to this story, and when I’m feeling up to it, I’ll write some more.  However, my reboot has officially started.  At the beginning of December, I talked with my new doctor and with Xannatos about getting off of the Zoloft.  It’s been a bit of a roller coaster, but I’ve been able to deal with it.  I’m not perfect yet, but there’s been some steps towards healing.  I successively encountered my first baby in 6 months.  That’s right, I had become a shut-in when it came to babies.  It hurt, and it was bittersweet, but I’m ok.

On Monday, I’m headed to the Bay Area to visit my grandparents, and I’m getting my ‘memorial/motivational’ tattoo.  It’s going to take up most of my forearm, and I’m in love it it.  I’ve tried several times in the last 6 months to get a tattoo, and I’m glad that each time it didn’t work out.  I don’t think I was ready to take that step.

I am now.


Published June 21, 2011 by Hemlock

First of all, sorry for not responding to comments… things have been a bit, errrr, hectic.

I wish I had better news, but I don’t.  On Wednesday I contacted my RE to see about possibly going onto Heparin due to a positive ANA test I had done (was tested for Rheumatoid Arthritis).  In the end he said no, put me on 200mg of Prometrium and sent me out for a blood test.  I got the results the following day but knew before then that it wasn’t going to happen.  I’d started cramping shortly after I left my appointment.  My numbers came back at 54.  They wanted another blood draw done on Friday morning so that we could get the results back that day, but since I already knew what the outcome would be Xannatos and I decided to sleep in and go later in the day.  The cramps were getting increasingly insistent.

I started bleeding last night.  The RE called this afternoon and let me know that my numbers were down to 8.  In 48 hours they had plummeted.

I’ve only had one dose of pain killers.  Xannatos keeps trying to get me to take some, or have a beer, but I’ve been refusing.  I guess it’s because I want to experience something related to this pregnancy.  I’m so numb right now, and the pain is the only thing really grounding me right now.  It doesn’t make much sense, I know.  It makes sense to me, though.

I don’t know how many more of these I can go through.  This is my 6th documented miscarriage.  I haven’t cried this time… I don’t know if that’s good or bad.  I don’t know if it’ll happen.  Xannatos and I had a talk a couple of weeks ago; I was thinking about the fact that if something were to happen and our relationship didn’t survive the lack of kids, he would be able to go on and have children.  He pointed out that he loves me and has made the choice to possibly live a childless existence.  I know what he’s trying to say, but at the same time I feel like a person with a devastating disease like HIV/AIDS.  He may be making the choice now, but if something does happen, the option for children is always there.  For me, I’m faced with the fact that I will never have children.  I know we’ll make it, but if we don’t… well, like that person with HIV having to tell their partner that they’re incurably ill; I’ll have to tell my partner that if they’re with me there will be no children.

I’m rambling.

I restarted my Zoloft, and I will be going back on birth control as soon as my numbers hit zero (which I know they have, but the RE wants another blood draw done on Tuesday morning to verify).  So, I will be saying ‘goodbye’ to my sex drive and my sanity.  Maybe the Zoloft will enable me to not be crazy on my birth control?  Who knows.

6th Times the Charm

Published June 13, 2011 by Hemlock

Apparently, my body has been busy while I’ve been away from the Blogverse. Very, very busy.

How do I know this? Well, you see, through a crazy random happenstance I took a pregnancy test. It was just sitting there calling to me. I haven’t cycled in nearly three months because I thought it was just my PCOS acting up. Turns out it either wasn’t, or it was, and then righted itself a bit.

The test this morning was positive. I seriously didn’t believe it when I saw it. I’d finally hit this point where I was ready to wait for a bit… enjoy the Happy Pills that the Doc had put me on. I took a digital test this morning just before work to verify the results and that one came up ‘Pregnant’. I’m still reeling a bit. I don’t know what to think. I feel great, I’m exhausted, I’m terrified, I’m happy, I’m terrified (yes, I said that twice)…

I don’t want to miscarry again. If I do, it’ll be Number 6. I just don’t want to go there. I’m hoping against everything that since this was essentially an ‘accident’ that it’ll be the one that stays around. Who knows, though. All I can do is hope.

P.S. Those of you who track this blog and know me in person, keep this info quiet. Only VERY immediate family knows- no employers or co-workers.

I think I need a Hard Reboot

Published May 4, 2011 by Hemlock

I think it’s time for a reboot. I’ve been more or less AWOL for quite a while. Yeah, there’s been random posts here and there, but not much. I haven’t even really been keeping up on my subscriptions.

I’ve been incredibly depressed.

My PCOS has taken a turn for the worse and I’m currently on Day 50-something with no positive pregnancy test. I know I’m not pregnant… I’ve been pregnant enough times now to know. I’m up to nearly 152 pounds despite me eating practically nothing (yeah, that’s the Anorexia creeping up on me, what can I say?). I should probably go to my RE, but all he’s going to do is tell me to go back on the Metformin and I can’t do that. It makes me physically ill; and not just during the adjustment period. I was on it for nearly 2-3 years and I was incredibly sick the entire time. I can’t live like that.

I need to exercise, but I have no motivation. You’d think that the desire to lose weight and get my cycles on track would be enough, but it isn’t. All I can think is, “What’s the point?” I’m almost five years into this God forsaken journey with five miscarriages under my belt, what makes me think it’s going to do any good? I mean, the way I figure, I’ll be losing weight so that I can be skinny when I miscarry again? What’s the point?

I was talking to Xannatos the other day about wanting to read stories about women who didn’t get their baby(s) in the end. I know it’s morbid, but I’m so tired of hearing about everyones happy endings. I just want to know that I’m not alone. I want to know of women who are still fighting the fight, or who are coming to terms with the fact that there’s just no point anymore. I want to know that some women just keep miscarrying. This far into the game, there’s a pretty solid chance that I won’t be having children. Adoption is out, surrogacy is out… I know I could try a round or two of IVF but I just don’t see the point (and we don’t have the money). I really don’t. What’s the point of paying thousands of dollars for IVF and PGD testing when I’m 99.99% sure I’m just going to miscarry again?

I know that I’m supposed to be coming to terms with everything by now, but it just seems like it’s getting harder.

Last week was National Infertility Awareness Month and there were loads of ‘myths’ being busted. There were a ton of them dealing with choosing to live a childless existence. You know what? It’s not a choice. People with infertility don’t choose be live without children. It’s forced upon us. I may choose to give up because it’s financially unfeasible, but I don’t choose to not be a Mother.

I’m tired of everything… I’m tired of people lying to themselves about stuff. I guess this makes me an incredibly jaded, angry, misguided, horrible person. I don’t know. Maybe it does, but it’s how I feel.