All posts tagged anorexia

Quick Update!

Published February 25, 2011 by Hemlock

Hey everyone. I’ve been missing for a couple of days but didn’t want any of you to think that I was ignoring your comments on my last post. I figured that I’d give you a brief update on everything:

1. As to diet for my weight loss I’m not really ‘dieting’ so much as just making sure that I’m not mindlessly eating or munching on things. My PCOS has cursed me with this desire to at all the time. It’s not as bad when I’m closer to the 135# range. Hell, at that weight, it’s practically gone, but any higher than that I just can’t ever seem to feel full.

2. On the 23rd I was up all night feeling very ill (thought I had food poisoning) and ended up suffering a major blood sugar crash. I mean, so low that I felt like I was on drugs and drunk. I wasn’t even coherant enough to wake up Xannatos to get me a glucose pill or some peanut butter. All week I’ve been feeling like I’m just barely staying above a blood sugar crash.

3. Due to the above situation, I’ve booked an appointment with a new doctor for Monday, and plan to discuss with her what’s going on.

I feel the crash is due to the Anorexia. So, it scared me enough to really kick up my eating yesterday, and I have to admit that I was feeling better. No more waiting for the Crash. I made a point to eat primarily protein with a bit of carbs so that things were a bit smoother. I also made sure to keep drinking so I didn’t get dehydrated as badly. I got up about an hour ago, and will be headed to the kitchen for some Coffee and some Egg Drop Soup, and we’ll go from there.

I’d have to say that this is the first real ‘relapse’ of my Anorexia that I’ve had. Mind you, it’s always been a struggle, but even during all the miscarriages I didn’t really have any problems with it. I don’t know what’s different this time around.

MARIE! I got the chocolate! Thank you VERY much! I had some ready to go for you yesterday, but totally spaced on getting it out. The weather should be clear enough for me to get to the post office on Monday 😀 In answer to your question, I like pretty much all chocolate (can’t stand dark, though) I’m just partial to White. Milk chocolate is nummy, though!


Does this post make me a Sub? What with all the humiliation and all….

Published February 22, 2011 by Hemlock

Nearly a month ago I announced that I would be making another attempt at losing weight. Well, I haven’t been so successful. Sure, I was pretty sick for the last two weeks with the flu, which didn’t want to go away, but that still means that there’s a couple of weeks when I could have been exercising.

So, to make another attempt at motivating myself, I’ve decided that public humilation is in order. Yes, I will post ALL of my stats. This means weight, and body measurements (and no, I didn’t cheat by sucking in my stomach, though I wish I had). I will not be posting any before and after pics as that’s just depressing and no one wants to see that. So, here we go!

All measurements/weight are with just undergarments as of 2-22-11:

  • Height: 5’2″
  • Weight: 139# (down from 142#)
  • Bust: 38.75″
  • Abdomen: 38.5″
  • Waist: 38″
  • Hips: 40″
  • Left Thigh: 23.5″
  • Right Thigh: 24″
  • Left Bicep: 11.75″
  • Right Bicep: 11.75″

I don't own this pic... it's just random but pretty close to what I was when I was at my worst.

Now, the only think I will be monitoring on a weekly basis will be my weight, but I’m going to try not to worry too much about it as it will vary depending on where I am in my cycle (yay for being a chick?), and if I’m actually managing to put on any muscle. I figure that every two weeks I’ll check inches. I’m also re-evaluating whether I need to worry so much about a goal weight so much as reducing my stomach. Courtesy of my PCOS, that’s where the bulk of my weight is, and it’s disgusting and will be the most difficult to lose.

At the same time, I need to worry about monitoring my food intake without triggering my Anorexia. That’s going to be very difficult. As it is, I’ve been up since about 10am and I haven’t eaten; not even candy or crackers… nothing. This is not a good sign for me. So, I’ll make myself some Top Ramen and make myself eat it, and try and get some fluids into me. I’ve gotten some juices for Xannatos, and I think I may just snag some of that to see if I can trigger my appetite and get some fluids into me. I’m really bad about my fluids and constantly run dehydrated. I just can’t stand water, though. Oh well, I’ll figure it out.

Part of me wonders if my struggles with getting motivated to lose weight stem out of my desire to avoid being anorexic again.  To be honest, it really scares me, and makes me wonder if I need to see someone to help me with the weight loss.  You know, like a nutritionist or something.  I dunno. I just really have issues, I guess.

I wish I wasn’t the oldest

Published January 27, 2011 by Hemlock

I have a bad case of Sister Envy.

For those that don’t know, I have two younger sisters ages 17 and 13. I was raised by my grandparents, with only a bit of contact with my mother until I was 7. At that point, I lived with my mother off and on for the next 9 years. Most of that time was spent with my Grandmother, though. During this time frame, I was abused by my first step-dad, gained a sister, celebrated a divorce, acquired another step-dad, and then finally gained another sister.

When my middle sister was born, I was home schooled and my mother was working a lot so for the next couple of years I found myself babysitting a lot. Too much responsibility for a child my age. When my youngest sister was born, again I was called up on to babysit a lot. By this point, I was suffering from a severe case of Anorexia Nervosa. This wasn’t due to a body image issue; I’ve never had a problem with my self image and I’ve always been a very confidant person. My disease was a diagnosis based upon the original Anorexia Nervosa, not the ‘new and improved’ version you see on T.V. dealing with poor body image. My anorexia was induced due to stress. When I stress I get nauseous so I don’t eat. This in turn causes me to stress about not eating which causes more nausea; it becomes a vicious circle. Eventually I began to stress about the fact that was dropping weight which made the situation worse and I wasn’t physically able to eat. In the end, on a visit to my grandmother, I was forced to remain in Santa Cruz and I was given an option: Either seek treatment on my own, or be put into a hospital. I chose to avoid the hospital and began seeking therapy with a woman who specialized in Traditional Anorexia Nervosa as well as weekly visits to an acupuncturist. In the end, my recovery took roughly a year before I was able to sit down and really eat a meal. I went from about 120 pounds, down to 93 pounds, and then by the time I was eating regularly I was up to 115 pounds. It’s something that I still struggle with.

Now, how does the sister envy fit into all of this? My middle sister got the benefits of being the oldest without the downside of getting the short end of the stick. My grandparents were pretty old fashioned and I wasn’t allowed to wear makeup or color my hair until I was in my late teens. By that time, I didn’t have much interest in it. When I lived with my mother, I wasn’t allowed to wear makeup or really express myself in any way.

Fast forward to my sister: by 12 to 13 years old she was dying her hair pink, blue, black (natural blonde), was wearing makeup, wasn’t forced to babysit and all of this was Mother Approved. In addition to that, she’s had hardly any responsibility with my Mother paying for everything. It’s very clear to both myself and my youngest sister that we aren’t even in the running of Favorite. My youngest sister is a lot like me in many ways, but Mom is still much more open about what is and isn’t allowed with her.

In the end, what’s been done has been done, but I’m envious that my sisters have been able to experience vacations, have had their cars given to them, that they’ve never had to worry about money, or having clothes full of holes on the first day of school. They’ve been able to experience life in a way that I haven’t. Part of me really wishes that I’d been an only child. Age-wise, and method of raising, I’ve been an only child (I’m 10 and 14 years older than my sisters), but I have the misfortune of looking back and seeing things from the outside in. Whereas, my sisters have only experienced life the way it is. I’m jealous… plain and simple.

In the end, I really hope that I don’t ruin my first born the way I’ve been ruined. I want my kids to be able to experience their childhood.

Exercise Week 1-ish Check In

Published July 25, 2010 by Hemlock

Alright, so week one closed out nicely, but I have to admit that I’ve fallen off the wagon a bit on the exercising. I had to take a few days off due to a new medication the doctor put me on. I didn’t respond well, and felt like I had the stomach flu for quite a few days. I’m feeling better, now, and intend to get going again this week.

I went to the Chiropractor on Friday, and he apparently noticed that I had lost some weight. I admit, I was quite excited by this, and it put a smile on my face for the rest of the day.

I went home later, and though I didn’t get measurements, I was able to get a weight, and I’m down to 126lbs. I know it’s a bit much for the first week, but I figure between trying to eat healthier and feeling so ill, that I really wasn’t eating as much as I should have. I think this accounts for most of the weight loss – not the exercising. But I don’t know for sure.

I have noticed that my appetite has decreased significantly, and this is something for me to keep an eye on. As a recovering anorexic (my version of Anorexia Nevosa is actually the originally diagnosed disorder that didn’t have anything to do with body image or weight. Instead, it’s the body’s reaction to stress. When I stress out, I don’t eat because I feel so nauseous and sick. It becomes a huge, vicious circle of being stressed so you don’t eat, but then you feel sick from not eating so you don’t eat, but then begin to stress about the fact that you’re not eating and that you’re loosing weight). I never had to be hospitalized for it, but it was years of therapy and acupuncture to get me through it and it’s still something that I struggle with. I really have to make myself eat when I’m stressed, and those that know me well, will usually remind me that I need to eat something; even if it’s just a Snickers bar.

Anyways, I’m hoping to start getting out with the dog here pretty soon, and I also have some computer dvd’s? that a friend of mine let me borrow (Xannatos still hasn’t gotten that taken care of for me) and I’m excited to see how those work out.

So, here’s to getting back on the boat! CHEERS!!!