We’ve all heard the news about Mo and it’s heartbreaking, however, I’ve found that I need to separate myself from it a bit. Maybe it’s a bit selfish, but the more I thought about what happened to her, the more I thought about the possibility of it happening to me.
I can’t handle that possibility right now.
I’m back on my meds, and I’m glad. I feel a bit more stable and put together, though it concerns me. I worry that I won’t be able to stop them, and then I worry about what kind of effect that’s going to have on any potential pregnancies. It’s the struggle in my brain of knowing that being depressed while pregnant isn’t good, but then there’s the risk of birth defects… *sigh*
Anyways, I know that right now I need to be on my meds. I was quickly spiraling into a dark pit and didn’t realize it. I was flipping between moods constantly, I was eating continually (I put on about 10# in a month), I wasn’t cleaning the house, and I was snapping at my dog. If I had gotten pregnant, I don’t think I could have handled another miscarriage. I wouldn’t have committed suicide or anything, but I don’t think the results would have been good.
I freely admit that my outlook on TTC is grim. After the number of unsuccessful pregnancies I’ve had, it’s inevitable. I don’t really know how I feel about that. Part of me wants to stay positive, but there’s a part of me that wants, and needs, to stay realistic. I worry about what will happen if I do manage to hold onto a pregnancy… will I be able to bond with my unborn child? Am I doomed to suffer from post-partum depression?
When I was active on the Craigslist forums, there was a woman who, like me, had suffered through 6 or 7 miscarriages before she finally went on to have a baby boy. She disappeared for a while, but a few months later I was able to get into contact with her, and found out that she’d been through some serious post-partum issues but was doing better. Am I doomed to this as well?
I don’t know… only time will tell. All I know, now, is that I need to take baby steps. First and foremost, I need to get myself under control and I need to drop weight. I’ve opted for the non-medicated PCOSer’s path, so I need to get my insulin levels under control, and the only way I can do that is to drop some weight and get a handle on my eating.
Baby steps, right?