All posts tagged fertility


Published January 14, 2012 by Hemlock

I think I’m doing better today.  The stress of last night has messed up my system a bit so I’m a bit queasy and having to force myself to eat (gotta love homemade ginger tea).  Other than that, I feel a bit more stable and was able to pop onto Facebook today and see my friend’s post and actually feel a bit of bittersweet happiness for her… it’s a step in the right direction.

Today, I plan on eating a couple of Double Cheeseburgers from Burger King, and continuing my therapy of Skyrim, possibly some Dark Ages of Camelot, and quite possibly watch some Firefly!  I have absolutely no plans to exercise today!

It really is interesting to see the kind of perspective you can gain by simply taking a time out and sleeping it off.  It still hurts, but it’s ok.


I Will Not Be Swept Under the Table

Published July 15, 2010 by Hemlock

Resolve posted a link on their Facebook site to an article published by Self Magazine titled Breaking the Silence on Infertility. While I’m very happy that more and more press is being given to infertility in general, it upsets me that this focus is being given to those who can’t get pregnant.

According to Hope X Change, a website that offers statistical information and support to those who have suffered from miscarriage, or the loss of a child, there are roughly 4.4 million confirmed pregnancies in the U.S. yearly, and of those 4.4 million roughly 900,000 to 1 million of those will end in miscarriage. In my opinion, that’s pretty hefty. However, not much attention is given to this problem.

I think I may have posted about this before, but,I remember after my first miscarriage I felt so dirty, and broken. I mean, what kind of woman am I if I can’t have a child? We might be more evolved, but face it people, the end goal of our lives as human animals is to reproduce. There’s no getting around it. By my second miscarriage I was feeling like a complete failure. My third, and fourth miscarriages seemed to be a bit of a blur, and I don’t remember much. By my fifth I was damn near immune. Support groups are few and far between, and those who seem to understand what it’s like are even more uncommon.

At least that’s what I thought. As word began to get around about my miscarriages, I discovered that almost every woman I came into contact with had suffered a miscarriage at some point. Mind you, they hadn’t suffered the number that I had, but it didn’t matter. Yet, despite this commonality, no one wants to talk about it. Yes, it’s a sore subject, but by shoving the topic under the table we’re doing nothing but feeding Societies concept that miscarriage is contagious, and to be feared and derided as much as Leprosy.

When I was reading the article posted by Self, I was having trouble understanding how it was ‘Breaking the Silence’. No information was given, it didn’t really go into what and how she was feeling. Maybe I’m asking too much, but I think a big problem with topics like this is that everyone treads a little too carefully. Someone’s got to take one for the team. Hush-hush articles like this do nothing more than reaffirm to those of us suffering fertility issues of any sort that we need to limit the information we give out.

That’s not ok in my book.

It’s taken me four years, and five miscarriages to finally realize that my miscarriages don’t define me. It’s not something that I should have to hide. I should be able to scream my fears, and frustrations from the tallest building in the world and not have to worry about being shushed. Until those of us suffering from fertility issues actually begin to come out of hiding, Society’s understanding will not increase, and we will be continually locked away in a dungeon, never to be let out.

You want support?

Published May 24, 2010 by Hemlock

RESOLVE is a nationwide infertility support group. They have a very active group of people that offer everything from support to updates on what’s going on in the world of fertility/infertility.

Recently, they published an article “Secondary Infertility and Miscarriages”. It talks about what secondary infertility is, and how, like general infertility, it is rarely spoke about; and even more rarely offered support.

I’ve been active in TTC and Infertility forums on Craigslist for about 4 years now, and what I’ve noticed in the other women and myself is that there’s a fear of secondary infertility. We’ve struggled so hard to do nothing but miscarry or simply never get anywhere, and there’s a fear that should we conceive and carry to term and make another attempt, that we will struggle once again, and mourn the passing of our children that were never born- again.

When confronted with a woman suffering from secondary infertility, I will honestly admit that I’m a bit bitter and jealous but my most overwhelming emotion is fear. I don’t want to be THAT person. I’ve struggled so hard and had multiple miscarriages, that I don’t want to have to go through it again. Part of my unthinking brain wants to avoid those suffering from secondary infertility like the Plague… but in reality, my thinking brain and my heart know that they’re suffering as much as I am, and possibly even more.

For me, I try to look at it like this: If they struggled for their first and decided to make a go of it for their 2nd or 3rd (or more), then it must be worth it to struggle for the 1st.

I may never get to enjoy my pregnancy if I ever manage to carry anywhere near term, and I don’t think I’ll ever again be excited to find out I’m pregnant – my third and fourth miscarriages made sure of that; but never in my life would I ever tell someone to, “Just be thankful for what you have.”

I really feel those responses are fear based. It may seem bitter and unfeeling, but in reality those comments are based in too much feeling: fear, pain, jealousy, anger, failure, despair. These are all feelings that no one in their right mind wants to experience over and over again to the point that you just expect them and they become a standard of life.

I mean, maybe I expect too much from the people I’ve encountered, and maybe it’s my own way of justifying what I feel, but I honestly,really, and truly feel that this is the case.