infertility

All posts tagged infertility

Multipass?

Published January 27, 2012 by Hemlock

Things are going pretty good over here.  I’ve had some short, but meaningful, discussions with Xannatos about how I’m doing now that I’m completely off of the medication.  I admit that sometimes I wish I were back on the Zoloft, but after talking with Hubby I’ve decided that I don’t need it anymore, and I’m using it more as a crutch.

I did have a horrible-almostwentbackonmymeds-day last Friday.  It was scary.  Really scary, and I began to question a lot of things.  Mocha, our oldest remaining cat has been going through some serious health related issues due to the medication for her Hyperthyroidism, and we came close to losing her.  It was rough, and it was too much.  She’s ok now, and everything’s back to normal – mostly.  She’s completely off of her meds, and when our tax return comes in I’ll be taking her to Oregon for I-131 treatment to get rid of the Hyperthyroidism since she can’t take any medication to manage the disease.

Also, with Xannatos’ support, I’m looking into going back to school for Pre-Vet.  It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but I admit that I’m a little hesitant because I don’t know how it’s going to affect the whole baby thing.  The responsible thing for me to do would be to hold off until I’m completely out of school, but that’s going to take me at least 8-10 years and, frankly, I don’t really see that as an option.  I’m already having enough issues, and I don’t need to add to it me being close to, or in, my 40’s.

Such a handsome boy!

Lastly, on my completely horrible day last Friday, I went to the local Humane Society and met a sweet little kitten named Diego.  I didn’t go looking for a new cat, I just wanted some kitten-antics to help cheer me up, but I should have known better.  He had been returned the day before because the woman who adopted him earlier that week brought him back because he just wasn’t ‘flashy’ enough!  Can you believe that?  Seriously, what a fucktard.

He’s been renamed Corbin Dallas, and is currently quarantined in my sewing room with the birds and rats.  He had a bit of a lesson with Turtle (one of my rats) who it turns out is going a bit senile, and he’s leaving the birds alone for the most part.  His first trial has been Terra, our dog.

She's a little gun shy post "Thwap"!One thing you need to know about Terra is that she’s a huge Love, and her best friend is our cat, Kira.  When I first introduced the new kitten to her two days ago, she went up to him nose-first and scared the crap out of the kitten and his response was to thwap her across the nose.  It really caught the dog off guard!

... Almost... There...However, she wasn’t about to let that get in the way of making friends. Across roughly 6-7 hours, she inched ever closer to the new addition. I kid you not! This dog started at the doorway by the rat cages, and every little bit would move an inch or so closer to the kitten who was laying in the dog’s bed underneath my ironing board. By the end of the day, she had gotten so far as actually touching the bed without him hissing. As of last night, as long as she doesn’t move too quickly, Corbin is alright with her, and he’s even taken to attacking the tip of her tail. She doesn’t quite know what to make of that, as she knows it’ll just be another scratch if she looks at him, but you can tell she’s quite pleased at the contact!

He'd just discovered the birds...Lastly, Corbin went to the vet for some sniffles. The vet thinks it’s most likely a reaction to all the dander in the room, but considering Mocha, she wanted to hit him with an oral antibiotic and some eye goop. He’s not too thrilled about that, to say the least. I also asked her if he was actually 8 weeks old or not. She agreed that he was quite large at almost 4 pounds, but his teeth are very much those of an 8 week old kitten. So, she said that normally, a kitten gains one pound a month, but that in his case he’s just going to be a big cat. He’s a solid little boy, without an ounce of fat on him!

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Back From My Mini-Vacation

Published January 4, 2012 by Hemlock

Ocean view from my car window!

My trip to Santa Cruz went well.  I ate good food, and saw interesting people.  Admitedly, it was a bit strange being on ‘vacation’ without Xannatos, but he wasn’t able to go with me (thank you, Mocha!) and he was right in thinking that I needed a little bit of a break from everything.

The drive down was pretty uneventful and I made good time.  I had a chance to meet my tattoo artist and go over some stuff, and in the end we opted to keep the general idea that I was going for, but we ended up completely re-working the tattoo.

I lucked out and ended up with an actual Artist, and I can honestly say that he’ll be completeing my sleeve.  He’s very into the meaning behind the images, and why I’m getting my tattoo.  In addition, I’m getting a good deal since he’s so inspired and the work is turning out so well (pics of good tattoos are worth more than gold in the tattoo world!).

Flash art I went in with

I’ve been very anti-koi tattoos for a long time as it seems that EVERYONE has one, but once I got in and did some research on them and their meaning, I fell in love.  Traditionally, a Koi swims upstream which represents courage and strength against adversity.  In addition we added some water to represent change and rebirth, and the lotus flower (not sure you can see it very well in the pictures) represents overcoming a hard time in life (though I’m not completely over it, but the fact that I can recognize that now says something).  In the end, my sleeve will also have a boulder/rock in it with a Japanese Red Crane standing on it representing wisdom, balance, communication, independence, and fertility.  Lastly, there will most likely be bamboo coming up behind the crane representing strength of character (it bends but doesn’t break).  This isn’t all set in stone (or skin) yet, but this is the general idea that we’re going with.

This is what we ended up with

Rotating my arm...

A bit blurry, but you get the point!

Update

Published June 21, 2011 by Hemlock

First of all, sorry for not responding to comments… things have been a bit, errrr, hectic.

I wish I had better news, but I don’t.  On Wednesday I contacted my RE to see about possibly going onto Heparin due to a positive ANA test I had done (was tested for Rheumatoid Arthritis).  In the end he said no, put me on 200mg of Prometrium and sent me out for a blood test.  I got the results the following day but knew before then that it wasn’t going to happen.  I’d started cramping shortly after I left my appointment.  My numbers came back at 54.  They wanted another blood draw done on Friday morning so that we could get the results back that day, but since I already knew what the outcome would be Xannatos and I decided to sleep in and go later in the day.  The cramps were getting increasingly insistent.

I started bleeding last night.  The RE called this afternoon and let me know that my numbers were down to 8.  In 48 hours they had plummeted.

I’ve only had one dose of pain killers.  Xannatos keeps trying to get me to take some, or have a beer, but I’ve been refusing.  I guess it’s because I want to experience something related to this pregnancy.  I’m so numb right now, and the pain is the only thing really grounding me right now.  It doesn’t make much sense, I know.  It makes sense to me, though.

I don’t know how many more of these I can go through.  This is my 6th documented miscarriage.  I haven’t cried this time… I don’t know if that’s good or bad.  I don’t know if it’ll happen.  Xannatos and I had a talk a couple of weeks ago; I was thinking about the fact that if something were to happen and our relationship didn’t survive the lack of kids, he would be able to go on and have children.  He pointed out that he loves me and has made the choice to possibly live a childless existence.  I know what he’s trying to say, but at the same time I feel like a person with a devastating disease like HIV/AIDS.  He may be making the choice now, but if something does happen, the option for children is always there.  For me, I’m faced with the fact that I will never have children.  I know we’ll make it, but if we don’t… well, like that person with HIV having to tell their partner that they’re incurably ill; I’ll have to tell my partner that if they’re with me there will be no children.

I’m rambling.

I restarted my Zoloft, and I will be going back on birth control as soon as my numbers hit zero (which I know they have, but the RE wants another blood draw done on Tuesday morning to verify).  So, I will be saying ‘goodbye’ to my sex drive and my sanity.  Maybe the Zoloft will enable me to not be crazy on my birth control?  Who knows.

6th Times the Charm

Published June 13, 2011 by Hemlock

Apparently, my body has been busy while I’ve been away from the Blogverse. Very, very busy.

How do I know this? Well, you see, through a crazy random happenstance I took a pregnancy test. It was just sitting there calling to me. I haven’t cycled in nearly three months because I thought it was just my PCOS acting up. Turns out it either wasn’t, or it was, and then righted itself a bit.

The test this morning was positive. I seriously didn’t believe it when I saw it. I’d finally hit this point where I was ready to wait for a bit… enjoy the Happy Pills that the Doc had put me on. I took a digital test this morning just before work to verify the results and that one came up ‘Pregnant’. I’m still reeling a bit. I don’t know what to think. I feel great, I’m exhausted, I’m terrified, I’m happy, I’m terrified (yes, I said that twice)…

I don’t want to miscarry again. If I do, it’ll be Number 6. I just don’t want to go there. I’m hoping against everything that since this was essentially an ‘accident’ that it’ll be the one that stays around. Who knows, though. All I can do is hope.

P.S. Those of you who track this blog and know me in person, keep this info quiet. Only VERY immediate family knows- no employers or co-workers.

I think I need a Hard Reboot

Published May 4, 2011 by Hemlock

I think it’s time for a reboot. I’ve been more or less AWOL for quite a while. Yeah, there’s been random posts here and there, but not much. I haven’t even really been keeping up on my subscriptions.

I’ve been incredibly depressed.

My PCOS has taken a turn for the worse and I’m currently on Day 50-something with no positive pregnancy test. I know I’m not pregnant… I’ve been pregnant enough times now to know. I’m up to nearly 152 pounds despite me eating practically nothing (yeah, that’s the Anorexia creeping up on me, what can I say?). I should probably go to my RE, but all he’s going to do is tell me to go back on the Metformin and I can’t do that. It makes me physically ill; and not just during the adjustment period. I was on it for nearly 2-3 years and I was incredibly sick the entire time. I can’t live like that.

I need to exercise, but I have no motivation. You’d think that the desire to lose weight and get my cycles on track would be enough, but it isn’t. All I can think is, “What’s the point?” I’m almost five years into this God forsaken journey with five miscarriages under my belt, what makes me think it’s going to do any good? I mean, the way I figure, I’ll be losing weight so that I can be skinny when I miscarry again? What’s the point?

I was talking to Xannatos the other day about wanting to read stories about women who didn’t get their baby(s) in the end. I know it’s morbid, but I’m so tired of hearing about everyones happy endings. I just want to know that I’m not alone. I want to know of women who are still fighting the fight, or who are coming to terms with the fact that there’s just no point anymore. I want to know that some women just keep miscarrying. This far into the game, there’s a pretty solid chance that I won’t be having children. Adoption is out, surrogacy is out… I know I could try a round or two of IVF but I just don’t see the point (and we don’t have the money). I really don’t. What’s the point of paying thousands of dollars for IVF and PGD testing when I’m 99.99% sure I’m just going to miscarry again?

I know that I’m supposed to be coming to terms with everything by now, but it just seems like it’s getting harder.

Last week was National Infertility Awareness Month and there were loads of ‘myths’ being busted. There were a ton of them dealing with choosing to live a childless existence. You know what? It’s not a choice. People with infertility don’t choose be live without children. It’s forced upon us. I may choose to give up because it’s financially unfeasible, but I don’t choose to not be a Mother.

I’m tired of everything… I’m tired of people lying to themselves about stuff. I guess this makes me an incredibly jaded, angry, misguided, horrible person. I don’t know. Maybe it does, but it’s how I feel.

The Matriarch Is Gone

Published April 5, 2011 by Hemlock

Around 8:30 this morning I got a call from my Nana that my Great Grandmother had passed away yesterday.  I believe she was 85 or 86 years old.  Her health had been failing (Diabetes, Macular Degeneration, Heart Disease and various other things) for nearly 10 years.

I will admit that even though she raised me, we weren’t very close.  Yes, I loved her, but our personalities just clashed too much for any long term contact… even over the phone.  We had a bit of a love-hate relationship.  When I talked to her last week, I knew it would be the last time and was patiently awaiting the call.

I won’t lie and say that she was a wonderful person, because she wasn’t.  She was  selfish, judgmental, and manipulative.  However, she was a strong woman, who I had a lot of respect for and she really was the person that shaped me into who I am today (for better or for worse, but you’d have to ask my husband on that one!).  Hell, she was probably the only one that was hard ass enough, at first, to raise me.  I’d probably be doing drugs right now if my mother had raised me (love her, though!).  Instead, I’m an incredibly stubborn, head-strong, smart-ass, strong, resilient woman.

I’m not upset at all, and honestly, it was time that she passed.  She didn’t want to be a burden to anyone, and she never wanted to have to rely on other people and it was getting to that point on all accounts.  As her bitterness progressed across the years, she became less and less pleasant and life with her became more and more drama filled.  I was very angry with her for many years for what she put my Nana through (taking care of three ailing and dieing parents) and it did put a serious strain on our relationship for a very long time.  Even to this day, we never told Grandma when we were coming into town.  We’d go see Nana and that was it.

You know what, though?  No one is perfect… especially someone in my family.

Mom and I still have no idea what exactly happened, but apparently she was found dead in her recliner chair yesterday after a friend had tried repeatedly to call her and wasn’t getting a response.  Nana went down to go check on her, and that’s when she found her.  *shrugs*  We don’t know if her heart finally gave out, or if she… had some help from a little too much insulin.  However it happened, it appears that it was quick and she deserved that much.  She was lonely, and she feared death greatly.

There will be no funeral, as she didn’t want one.  She’ll be cremated, and her ashes will be spread.  There’s not much to do with her apartment as she started giving away everything about 2-3 years ago.  I worry about Nana, as there’s a lot of guilt there, but she’s in Robot Mode right now.  Mom and I may, or may not go down to Santa Cruz to help out however we can, but Nana has said she doesn’t need help.  Whether that’s the case, or not, we’re not sure but we should know soon.

My only regret is that I didn’t give her any Great-Great Grandbabies.  If anything, I feel even more pressure now.  My Grandpa Bill is not much younger than her (and really doesn’t take care of himself, and is a recent cancer survivor), and though he’s not related by blood, he’s the driving male-force in my life… closest thing I’ve ever had to a Father.  I’m not upset in the least about my grandmother (more a sense of relief with her than anything else… does that make me a bad person?), but when my Grandpa Bill passes… That one’s going to be hard.  Really, really hard and at first I thought Nana was calling me to tell me that Grandpa had passed away.  I want so desperately to give him grandbabies, but with every passing month, and every miscarriage the outlook gets worse.  I want my children to know their Grandfather, but I know it’s not going to happen.

Either way, I’m glad that she’s gone and she doesn’t have to worry anymore.

Who Needs Titles?

Published March 25, 2011 by Hemlock

Been AWOL for a while, but I just really haven’t been motivated to write anything.  Feeling a bit jaded with life and whatnot.

Good news on Mocha.  She has been diagnosed with Idiopathic Hypercalcemia.  It’s a new, and rare, disease that’s being diagnosed in cats raised on kibble foods.  It started popping up in the late 90’s and has become a little bit more common, but often goes undiagnosed until the cat goes into full renal failure due to calcification of the kidneys due to free floating calcium in their system.  So, she’s no longer in the early stages of renal failure, and no cancer either.  The goal is to transfer her onto a raw diet and see how she does.  Cats that are being diagnosed are essentially being used as Guinea Pigs for figuring out how to manage the disease.  We’ll do more blood work in the future, probably in about 6-8 months and we’ll check her blood serum calcium levels.

Other than that, not much more to report.  I’ve essentially dropped out of college; I just don’t care anymore.  Could be that I’m in a funk and I’ll go back next fall, but I don’t know.  I’m not doing anything but paying to learn things I learned in elementary school, jr. high, and high school.  On top of that, the budget cuts have really cut down on available classes so doing stuff online is getting harder and harder.  As far as I’m concerned getting an education is a joke now.  The kids coming out of college with B.A.s and Masters don’t know shit… they’ve just managed to acquire bigger egos.  Bleh.

My job search isn’t going well, either.  Since I was fired from my last position (courtesy of multiple miscarriages) I can’t seem to get past the application portion of any job so I’m at a loss as to what to do.  I don’t work well for other people which doesn’t help, and I’d love to have my own business but I have no idea what I’d do. *shrugs*  Oh well, not much can be done right now.  Back to cleaning house!