All posts tagged loss

Oh No…

Published February 21, 2012 by Hemlock

I originally was going to post about my own issues today, but after reading Elphie’s update/post about Mo, my issues now seem insignificant.  My heart aches for her, and I can’t possibly imagine the pain and suffering she’s going through right now.  To finally get this far, and then have it all come crashing down.  I don’t know what I would do in her place.

On a side note, I’m back on my happy pills.  I was incredibly hyper-emotional, and was spiraling downhill very quickly.  Again, though, it all seems quite insignificant compared to what Mo is going through.


I think I need a Hard Reboot

Published May 4, 2011 by Hemlock

I think it’s time for a reboot. I’ve been more or less AWOL for quite a while. Yeah, there’s been random posts here and there, but not much. I haven’t even really been keeping up on my subscriptions.

I’ve been incredibly depressed.

My PCOS has taken a turn for the worse and I’m currently on Day 50-something with no positive pregnancy test. I know I’m not pregnant… I’ve been pregnant enough times now to know. I’m up to nearly 152 pounds despite me eating practically nothing (yeah, that’s the Anorexia creeping up on me, what can I say?). I should probably go to my RE, but all he’s going to do is tell me to go back on the Metformin and I can’t do that. It makes me physically ill; and not just during the adjustment period. I was on it for nearly 2-3 years and I was incredibly sick the entire time. I can’t live like that.

I need to exercise, but I have no motivation. You’d think that the desire to lose weight and get my cycles on track would be enough, but it isn’t. All I can think is, “What’s the point?” I’m almost five years into this God forsaken journey with five miscarriages under my belt, what makes me think it’s going to do any good? I mean, the way I figure, I’ll be losing weight so that I can be skinny when I miscarry again? What’s the point?

I was talking to Xannatos the other day about wanting to read stories about women who didn’t get their baby(s) in the end. I know it’s morbid, but I’m so tired of hearing about everyones happy endings. I just want to know that I’m not alone. I want to know of women who are still fighting the fight, or who are coming to terms with the fact that there’s just no point anymore. I want to know that some women just keep miscarrying. This far into the game, there’s a pretty solid chance that I won’t be having children. Adoption is out, surrogacy is out… I know I could try a round or two of IVF but I just don’t see the point (and we don’t have the money). I really don’t. What’s the point of paying thousands of dollars for IVF and PGD testing when I’m 99.99% sure I’m just going to miscarry again?

I know that I’m supposed to be coming to terms with everything by now, but it just seems like it’s getting harder.

Last week was National Infertility Awareness Month and there were loads of ‘myths’ being busted. There were a ton of them dealing with choosing to live a childless existence. You know what? It’s not a choice. People with infertility don’t choose be live without children. It’s forced upon us. I may choose to give up because it’s financially unfeasible, but I don’t choose to not be a Mother.

I’m tired of everything… I’m tired of people lying to themselves about stuff. I guess this makes me an incredibly jaded, angry, misguided, horrible person. I don’t know. Maybe it does, but it’s how I feel.

I hate life

Published March 10, 2011 by Hemlock

Things have been absolutely crazy over here (not in a good way), and quite honestly the thought of blogging has made me a bit nauseous. I know it seems like I always write about the negative, but it’s getting to the point where that’s all that seems to happen in life as of late… negative things.

As we speak, Mocha, our 7 year old cat is sitting in a cage at our local emergency vet hooked up to an I.V. and enjoying the narcotic pain killer that she was given earlier this evening. The outlook is not looking good as of my last discussion with the vet. We’re looking at a combination of two things; Lymphoma and Kidney Failure. This will make the second ‘young’ animal that we’ve had that has been diagnosed with some sort of lymphoma, and the second cat to go through kidney failure. Since we can’t get approved for Care Credit, we’ve had to cancel our vacation that was scheduled for later this month and use all of that money to basically find out the worst possible information a person could get.

It really seems like these last few years have been extremely hard. We’ve lost three pets in quick succession (all in tragic ways), we’re losing our home, suffered 5 miscarriages, I got fired (and now can’t find a job because of it)… and a million other little things that all just seem to add up.

I’m done… I’m really just done. A huge part of me wants to give up on ever having children, and I feel like Xannatos and myself are being punished for something.

I think… I think I might be on the mend

Published January 21, 2011 by Hemlock

I think I’ve had a little bit of a breakthrough. I’m home today… kind of in limbo waiting for either AF or a positive pregnancy test. I’m 19DPO, at least that’s what Fertility Friend says but who really knows. I took another pregnancy test just to see what I got since the last one at 15 DPO looked like it might have had a line on it, but was most likely an evap line. Same story today. I’m not going to call the doctor since I don’t see a point, and even if it is positive, I’m not going to schedule any early appointments or have any early blood draws done. It’ll either work out, or it won’t, and nothing the doctors can do will help. So far, progesterone supplements haven’t done anything for me so I’m not worried about taking them.

The above paragraph wasn’t my breakthrough, though. When I came out of the bathroom today from peeing on the cursed stick TLC’s A Baby Story was on.

Now, after my first miscarriage I was addicted to the show in a very unhealthy way. I was obsessed with watching all these successful pregnancies and births, and it was just torture. I think I did it to myself out of Survivors Guilt, or something. Eventually, I realized that I really needed to stop, and I’ve haven’t watched the show since 2007. Sure, I’ve seen a few episodes here and there, but I’ve never sought the show out, and when it comes on I change the channel. No point in starting the cycle over again, and no point in causing myself pain.

Here I am, four years later, and it’s on again. You know what, though? I didn’t change the channel because I was legitimately interested in the outcome of the episode. I didn’t find myself angry at her for being pregnant. Instead, I found myself upset that her pregnancy and delivery didn’t go as planned and then happy for her when she finally got to meet her little one.

… Okay, maybe a smidgen jealous if I’m going to be completely honest with myself.

I think I’m okay with this turn of events. I think I’ve had a chance to settle a bit across the last four years. Each miscarriage has gotten easier to deal with. It’s unfortunate, but after five miscarriages and four years, a person can only stress out so much.

I Will Not Be Swept Under the Table

Published July 15, 2010 by Hemlock

Resolve posted a link on their Facebook site to an article published by Self Magazine titled Breaking the Silence on Infertility. While I’m very happy that more and more press is being given to infertility in general, it upsets me that this focus is being given to those who can’t get pregnant.

According to Hope X Change, a website that offers statistical information and support to those who have suffered from miscarriage, or the loss of a child, there are roughly 4.4 million confirmed pregnancies in the U.S. yearly, and of those 4.4 million roughly 900,000 to 1 million of those will end in miscarriage. In my opinion, that’s pretty hefty. However, not much attention is given to this problem.

I think I may have posted about this before, but,I remember after my first miscarriage I felt so dirty, and broken. I mean, what kind of woman am I if I can’t have a child? We might be more evolved, but face it people, the end goal of our lives as human animals is to reproduce. There’s no getting around it. By my second miscarriage I was feeling like a complete failure. My third, and fourth miscarriages seemed to be a bit of a blur, and I don’t remember much. By my fifth I was damn near immune. Support groups are few and far between, and those who seem to understand what it’s like are even more uncommon.

At least that’s what I thought. As word began to get around about my miscarriages, I discovered that almost every woman I came into contact with had suffered a miscarriage at some point. Mind you, they hadn’t suffered the number that I had, but it didn’t matter. Yet, despite this commonality, no one wants to talk about it. Yes, it’s a sore subject, but by shoving the topic under the table we’re doing nothing but feeding Societies concept that miscarriage is contagious, and to be feared and derided as much as Leprosy.

When I was reading the article posted by Self, I was having trouble understanding how it was ‘Breaking the Silence’. No information was given, it didn’t really go into what and how she was feeling. Maybe I’m asking too much, but I think a big problem with topics like this is that everyone treads a little too carefully. Someone’s got to take one for the team. Hush-hush articles like this do nothing more than reaffirm to those of us suffering fertility issues of any sort that we need to limit the information we give out.

That’s not ok in my book.

It’s taken me four years, and five miscarriages to finally realize that my miscarriages don’t define me. It’s not something that I should have to hide. I should be able to scream my fears, and frustrations from the tallest building in the world and not have to worry about being shushed. Until those of us suffering from fertility issues actually begin to come out of hiding, Society’s understanding will not increase, and we will be continually locked away in a dungeon, never to be let out.