miscarriage

All posts tagged miscarriage

Baby Steps

Published February 23, 2012 by Hemlock

We’ve all heard the news about Mo and it’s heartbreaking, however, I’ve found that I need to separate myself from it a bit.  Maybe it’s a bit selfish, but the more I thought about what happened to her, the more I thought about the possibility of it happening to me.

I can’t handle that possibility right now.

I’m back on my meds, and I’m glad.  I feel a bit more stable and put together, though it concerns me.  I worry that I won’t be able to stop them, and then I worry about what kind of effect that’s going to have on any potential pregnancies.  It’s the struggle in my brain of knowing that being depressed while pregnant isn’t good, but then there’s the risk of birth defects… *sigh*

Anyways, I know that right now I need to be on my meds.  I was quickly spiraling into a dark pit and didn’t realize it.  I was flipping between moods constantly, I was eating continually (I put on about 10# in a month), I wasn’t cleaning the house, and I was snapping at my dog.  If I had gotten pregnant, I don’t think I could have handled another miscarriage.  I wouldn’t have committed suicide or anything, but I don’t think the results would have been good.

I freely admit that my outlook on TTC is grim.  After the number of unsuccessful pregnancies I’ve had, it’s inevitable.  I don’t really know how I feel about that.  Part of me wants to stay positive, but there’s a part of me that wants, and needs, to stay realistic.  I worry about what will happen if I do manage to hold onto a pregnancy… will I be able to bond with my unborn child?  Am I doomed to suffer from post-partum depression?

When I was active on the Craigslist forums, there was a woman who, like me, had suffered through 6 or 7 miscarriages before she finally went on to have a baby boy.  She disappeared for a while, but a few months later I was able to get into contact with her, and found out that she’d been through some serious post-partum issues but was doing better.  Am I doomed to this as well?

I don’t know… only time will tell.  All I know, now, is that I need to take baby steps.  First and foremost, I need to get myself under control and I need to drop weight.  I’ve opted for the non-medicated PCOSer’s path, so I need to get my insulin levels under control, and the only way I can do that is to drop some weight and get a handle on my eating.

Baby steps, right?

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Oh No…

Published February 21, 2012 by Hemlock

I originally was going to post about my own issues today, but after reading Elphie’s update/post about Mo, my issues now seem insignificant.  My heart aches for her, and I can’t possibly imagine the pain and suffering she’s going through right now.  To finally get this far, and then have it all come crashing down.  I don’t know what I would do in her place.

On a side note, I’m back on my happy pills.  I was incredibly hyper-emotional, and was spiraling downhill very quickly.  Again, though, it all seems quite insignificant compared to what Mo is going through.

Wasn’t ready for this…

Published January 13, 2012 by Hemlock

I’ve been doing pretty good off my meds.  Having bad days here and there, but today was a pretty bad day.  I was struggling with dwelling on things, and it took some serious effort to even get dressed this morning/afternoon when I got up.

So far, I’ve done pretty good when it comes to reading blogs, though I admit that I no longer get notifications when a new blog is posted.  This way I can view them when I’m ready vs. having my Inbox blast various announcements at me.  It’s worked thus far.  

I read MO’s latest blog (and I’m very happy for her), and I think it’s amazing how she’s trying her hardest to be considerate of her Facebook friends who are going through, or have struggled with, IF and whatnot.  It’s still a bit rough to read, but it was very sweet, and really just shows what an amazing person she is (and what an amazing Mom she’s going to be).

Anyways, I was busy playing Skryim, and figured I’d take a little break to go wake Xannatos up from his nap and I had my Facebook page open.  Do you know what accosted me the moment I had alt-tabbed out of my game?  A smart-assed-cutsy pregnancy announcement from one of the girls I went to school with.  I immediately broke down.  Seriously, I’m still fighting back tears.  I know that it was inevitable that she would get pregnant, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they had been struggling with IF as she was very overweight (frankly, she was obese), but it was like someone threw a right hook at me – repeatedly.  She posted three pictures… one was of four separate pregnancy tests all showing positive results.  The next was a picture of her and her husband (also an old high school friend) holding up a a single sheet of paper with a giant and colorful ‘R’ on it and completing that pic was my friend holding up a Prego spaghetti sauce jar.  The last was a picture of just my friend holding the Prego jar. They were both clearly overjoyed and happy, but I couldn’t stop myself for hating them for just a moment.

I’ve never been faced with a Facebook Pregnancy Announcement, and you know what?  It really fucking sucks.  I’m so jealous that I’ll never be able to be that happy about being pregnant (should it happen again)… I’m jealous that they feel comfortable enough to post an announcement in the first place.  I hope for, and wish them, the best but at the same time I’m incredibly hurt.  I know that she’s not trying to hurt me (though she does know about my struggles, and we’ve talked about it before), but because she knows, it somehow makes the announcement more hurtful.

 

Update

Published June 21, 2011 by Hemlock

First of all, sorry for not responding to comments… things have been a bit, errrr, hectic.

I wish I had better news, but I don’t.  On Wednesday I contacted my RE to see about possibly going onto Heparin due to a positive ANA test I had done (was tested for Rheumatoid Arthritis).  In the end he said no, put me on 200mg of Prometrium and sent me out for a blood test.  I got the results the following day but knew before then that it wasn’t going to happen.  I’d started cramping shortly after I left my appointment.  My numbers came back at 54.  They wanted another blood draw done on Friday morning so that we could get the results back that day, but since I already knew what the outcome would be Xannatos and I decided to sleep in and go later in the day.  The cramps were getting increasingly insistent.

I started bleeding last night.  The RE called this afternoon and let me know that my numbers were down to 8.  In 48 hours they had plummeted.

I’ve only had one dose of pain killers.  Xannatos keeps trying to get me to take some, or have a beer, but I’ve been refusing.  I guess it’s because I want to experience something related to this pregnancy.  I’m so numb right now, and the pain is the only thing really grounding me right now.  It doesn’t make much sense, I know.  It makes sense to me, though.

I don’t know how many more of these I can go through.  This is my 6th documented miscarriage.  I haven’t cried this time… I don’t know if that’s good or bad.  I don’t know if it’ll happen.  Xannatos and I had a talk a couple of weeks ago; I was thinking about the fact that if something were to happen and our relationship didn’t survive the lack of kids, he would be able to go on and have children.  He pointed out that he loves me and has made the choice to possibly live a childless existence.  I know what he’s trying to say, but at the same time I feel like a person with a devastating disease like HIV/AIDS.  He may be making the choice now, but if something does happen, the option for children is always there.  For me, I’m faced with the fact that I will never have children.  I know we’ll make it, but if we don’t… well, like that person with HIV having to tell their partner that they’re incurably ill; I’ll have to tell my partner that if they’re with me there will be no children.

I’m rambling.

I restarted my Zoloft, and I will be going back on birth control as soon as my numbers hit zero (which I know they have, but the RE wants another blood draw done on Tuesday morning to verify).  So, I will be saying ‘goodbye’ to my sex drive and my sanity.  Maybe the Zoloft will enable me to not be crazy on my birth control?  Who knows.

6th Times the Charm

Published June 13, 2011 by Hemlock

Apparently, my body has been busy while I’ve been away from the Blogverse. Very, very busy.

How do I know this? Well, you see, through a crazy random happenstance I took a pregnancy test. It was just sitting there calling to me. I haven’t cycled in nearly three months because I thought it was just my PCOS acting up. Turns out it either wasn’t, or it was, and then righted itself a bit.

The test this morning was positive. I seriously didn’t believe it when I saw it. I’d finally hit this point where I was ready to wait for a bit… enjoy the Happy Pills that the Doc had put me on. I took a digital test this morning just before work to verify the results and that one came up ‘Pregnant’. I’m still reeling a bit. I don’t know what to think. I feel great, I’m exhausted, I’m terrified, I’m happy, I’m terrified (yes, I said that twice)…

I don’t want to miscarry again. If I do, it’ll be Number 6. I just don’t want to go there. I’m hoping against everything that since this was essentially an ‘accident’ that it’ll be the one that stays around. Who knows, though. All I can do is hope.

P.S. Those of you who track this blog and know me in person, keep this info quiet. Only VERY immediate family knows- no employers or co-workers.

I think I need a Hard Reboot

Published May 4, 2011 by Hemlock

I think it’s time for a reboot. I’ve been more or less AWOL for quite a while. Yeah, there’s been random posts here and there, but not much. I haven’t even really been keeping up on my subscriptions.

I’ve been incredibly depressed.

My PCOS has taken a turn for the worse and I’m currently on Day 50-something with no positive pregnancy test. I know I’m not pregnant… I’ve been pregnant enough times now to know. I’m up to nearly 152 pounds despite me eating practically nothing (yeah, that’s the Anorexia creeping up on me, what can I say?). I should probably go to my RE, but all he’s going to do is tell me to go back on the Metformin and I can’t do that. It makes me physically ill; and not just during the adjustment period. I was on it for nearly 2-3 years and I was incredibly sick the entire time. I can’t live like that.

I need to exercise, but I have no motivation. You’d think that the desire to lose weight and get my cycles on track would be enough, but it isn’t. All I can think is, “What’s the point?” I’m almost five years into this God forsaken journey with five miscarriages under my belt, what makes me think it’s going to do any good? I mean, the way I figure, I’ll be losing weight so that I can be skinny when I miscarry again? What’s the point?

I was talking to Xannatos the other day about wanting to read stories about women who didn’t get their baby(s) in the end. I know it’s morbid, but I’m so tired of hearing about everyones happy endings. I just want to know that I’m not alone. I want to know of women who are still fighting the fight, or who are coming to terms with the fact that there’s just no point anymore. I want to know that some women just keep miscarrying. This far into the game, there’s a pretty solid chance that I won’t be having children. Adoption is out, surrogacy is out… I know I could try a round or two of IVF but I just don’t see the point (and we don’t have the money). I really don’t. What’s the point of paying thousands of dollars for IVF and PGD testing when I’m 99.99% sure I’m just going to miscarry again?

I know that I’m supposed to be coming to terms with everything by now, but it just seems like it’s getting harder.

Last week was National Infertility Awareness Month and there were loads of ‘myths’ being busted. There were a ton of them dealing with choosing to live a childless existence. You know what? It’s not a choice. People with infertility don’t choose be live without children. It’s forced upon us. I may choose to give up because it’s financially unfeasible, but I don’t choose to not be a Mother.

I’m tired of everything… I’m tired of people lying to themselves about stuff. I guess this makes me an incredibly jaded, angry, misguided, horrible person. I don’t know. Maybe it does, but it’s how I feel.

The Matriarch Is Gone

Published April 5, 2011 by Hemlock

Around 8:30 this morning I got a call from my Nana that my Great Grandmother had passed away yesterday.  I believe she was 85 or 86 years old.  Her health had been failing (Diabetes, Macular Degeneration, Heart Disease and various other things) for nearly 10 years.

I will admit that even though she raised me, we weren’t very close.  Yes, I loved her, but our personalities just clashed too much for any long term contact… even over the phone.  We had a bit of a love-hate relationship.  When I talked to her last week, I knew it would be the last time and was patiently awaiting the call.

I won’t lie and say that she was a wonderful person, because she wasn’t.  She was  selfish, judgmental, and manipulative.  However, she was a strong woman, who I had a lot of respect for and she really was the person that shaped me into who I am today (for better or for worse, but you’d have to ask my husband on that one!).  Hell, she was probably the only one that was hard ass enough, at first, to raise me.  I’d probably be doing drugs right now if my mother had raised me (love her, though!).  Instead, I’m an incredibly stubborn, head-strong, smart-ass, strong, resilient woman.

I’m not upset at all, and honestly, it was time that she passed.  She didn’t want to be a burden to anyone, and she never wanted to have to rely on other people and it was getting to that point on all accounts.  As her bitterness progressed across the years, she became less and less pleasant and life with her became more and more drama filled.  I was very angry with her for many years for what she put my Nana through (taking care of three ailing and dieing parents) and it did put a serious strain on our relationship for a very long time.  Even to this day, we never told Grandma when we were coming into town.  We’d go see Nana and that was it.

You know what, though?  No one is perfect… especially someone in my family.

Mom and I still have no idea what exactly happened, but apparently she was found dead in her recliner chair yesterday after a friend had tried repeatedly to call her and wasn’t getting a response.  Nana went down to go check on her, and that’s when she found her.  *shrugs*  We don’t know if her heart finally gave out, or if she… had some help from a little too much insulin.  However it happened, it appears that it was quick and she deserved that much.  She was lonely, and she feared death greatly.

There will be no funeral, as she didn’t want one.  She’ll be cremated, and her ashes will be spread.  There’s not much to do with her apartment as she started giving away everything about 2-3 years ago.  I worry about Nana, as there’s a lot of guilt there, but she’s in Robot Mode right now.  Mom and I may, or may not go down to Santa Cruz to help out however we can, but Nana has said she doesn’t need help.  Whether that’s the case, or not, we’re not sure but we should know soon.

My only regret is that I didn’t give her any Great-Great Grandbabies.  If anything, I feel even more pressure now.  My Grandpa Bill is not much younger than her (and really doesn’t take care of himself, and is a recent cancer survivor), and though he’s not related by blood, he’s the driving male-force in my life… closest thing I’ve ever had to a Father.  I’m not upset in the least about my grandmother (more a sense of relief with her than anything else… does that make me a bad person?), but when my Grandpa Bill passes… That one’s going to be hard.  Really, really hard and at first I thought Nana was calling me to tell me that Grandpa had passed away.  I want so desperately to give him grandbabies, but with every passing month, and every miscarriage the outlook gets worse.  I want my children to know their Grandfather, but I know it’s not going to happen.

Either way, I’m glad that she’s gone and she doesn’t have to worry anymore.