All posts tagged PCOS

Scenic Route

Published February 27, 2012 by Hemlock

Well, my hotel room is booked!

I’m excited.  I’ll be taking a trip to Oregon to get Mocha the I-131 Radioactive Iodine Treatment for her Hyperthyroidism next week.  I can’t wait to go, and I’ll have the dog with me.  That’s the best part, I won’t be lonely!  I’ll have the camera, and plan to take my time getting there (I’ll leave early enough to hit the pretty places during daylight).  I want to stop and see the sights and get my fill of the color green!

It’s snowing here right now, which is nice, and Xannatos called into work this morning.  We tried to get into town twice, but there were so many accidents blocking the highway into town that it just wasn’t possible.  So, overall, today is a good day.  We’ll be going into town later on for some groceries.

I’m finally starting to see limited side effects from the Zoloft.  I’m not nauseous constantly, but it’s still affecting my appetite.  I can’t seem to eat more than a few bites before it starts to turn my stomach, and I find that I’m not hungry all the time.  Maybe some of this weight will come off!

Also, I got ahold of some raw milk!  I’m stoked.  When I was younger I suffered from a severe milk allergy and so I was raised on raw goats milk.  I remember liking it, but when I’ve tried it again in the past I’ve only had access to that pasteurized crap in the store – and it’s disgusting!  Anyways, I can drink milk now, though I do get a little stuffy and nauseous when I do, but I can still enjoy it.  So, when my mom said she found a raw milk supplier close by I was stoked.

Here in NV it’s illegal to sell raw milk for human consumption.  We lucked out and just happened to find someone just over stateline that we basically pay for a ‘lease’ on the cow, and therefore we can drink the milk from said cow.  I can’t believe the taste difference!  Seriously, we drank some, still warm from the cow, and it didn’t have a weird flavor, or smell.  It also didn’t leave behind any aftertaste or any weird film in your mouth like the store bought stuff.

I got curious about the possibility of the benefits for insulin resistance and though I haven’t search hard, I’ve found some promising information!


Baby Steps

Published February 23, 2012 by Hemlock

We’ve all heard the news about Mo and it’s heartbreaking, however, I’ve found that I need to separate myself from it a bit.  Maybe it’s a bit selfish, but the more I thought about what happened to her, the more I thought about the possibility of it happening to me.

I can’t handle that possibility right now.

I’m back on my meds, and I’m glad.  I feel a bit more stable and put together, though it concerns me.  I worry that I won’t be able to stop them, and then I worry about what kind of effect that’s going to have on any potential pregnancies.  It’s the struggle in my brain of knowing that being depressed while pregnant isn’t good, but then there’s the risk of birth defects… *sigh*

Anyways, I know that right now I need to be on my meds.  I was quickly spiraling into a dark pit and didn’t realize it.  I was flipping between moods constantly, I was eating continually (I put on about 10# in a month), I wasn’t cleaning the house, and I was snapping at my dog.  If I had gotten pregnant, I don’t think I could have handled another miscarriage.  I wouldn’t have committed suicide or anything, but I don’t think the results would have been good.

I freely admit that my outlook on TTC is grim.  After the number of unsuccessful pregnancies I’ve had, it’s inevitable.  I don’t really know how I feel about that.  Part of me wants to stay positive, but there’s a part of me that wants, and needs, to stay realistic.  I worry about what will happen if I do manage to hold onto a pregnancy… will I be able to bond with my unborn child?  Am I doomed to suffer from post-partum depression?

When I was active on the Craigslist forums, there was a woman who, like me, had suffered through 6 or 7 miscarriages before she finally went on to have a baby boy.  She disappeared for a while, but a few months later I was able to get into contact with her, and found out that she’d been through some serious post-partum issues but was doing better.  Am I doomed to this as well?

I don’t know… only time will tell.  All I know, now, is that I need to take baby steps.  First and foremost, I need to get myself under control and I need to drop weight.  I’ve opted for the non-medicated PCOSer’s path, so I need to get my insulin levels under control, and the only way I can do that is to drop some weight and get a handle on my eating.

Baby steps, right?


Published January 13, 2012 by Hemlock

I’ve been temporarily stalled in my exercise routine… to an extent.  The sorenes sin my hamstrings and my pelvis wasn’t going away, and I discovered why that was the case when I went to the chiropractor yesterday.

Apparently, I threw my lower back and hips out.  The most likely culprit was the Yoga I did.  I was so locked up that my chiropractor, we’ll call him Dr. Halo, was unable to get anything to move.  That’s saying something, too.  Dr. Halo is a very solidly build man.  So, I got some extra Stim, and a bit of a run on ‘The Rack’ before leaving.  Almost immediately, though, I was able to walk without pain, so I believe that I had some sort of  pinched nerve.

I was also instructed that I’m not 16 anymore, and that if I think I can do it, I probably can’t at this point!  Since I was so active in gymnastics and equestrian sports when I was younger, he expects that it won’t take me that long to get back to where I was, but I’m to do just standard stretching for the time being and work on getting my core strength back before I try the yoga again.  

So, it’s like exercise for a bit, and then back on to some harder stuff.  I’m kinda bummed, as I was finding that the exercise was doing a lot to lift my mood.  So, since I can’t really exercise, I’ve been listening to music and beebopping around the house.

OH!  For you Skyrim fans out there, I’m sure you’ve heard this already, but if not, you’ll like it!


Fitness Day 4

Published January 10, 2012 by Hemlock

I didn't create this comic, and don't own it!

Yeah, I know, I missed the posts for Days 1-3. Nothing very eventful happened those day other than me discovering that I’m not as flexible as I was a 16, and then becoming incredibly sore to the point that I couldn’t move! I did discover, though, that your hamstrings are there to offer stability and support and if they’re compromised balancing during walking, getting out of bed, or off the couch or toilet is an interesting experience.

A Quick Summary

  • Day 1: 30 min of Hatha Yoga
  • Day 2: 30 min of Hatha Yoga (thought doing some more yoga might help the soreness… not sure it was a good idea)
  • Day 3: 30 min on our new semi-recumbent bike. Averaged about 12mph and avg heart rate between 115-120bpm, and depending on how you calculate things, I burned between 300-500 calories.

Now, onto Day 4…

I benched a whopping 20# plus the bar, curled another 10#, did some wall pushups, and attempted some other stuff, but my legs just couldn’t handle it… too sore.


Overall Summary – My starting weight is 150#.  This is the heaviest I’ve been in years.  Gotta love those depression meds.  When I started them, I had the wonderful side effect of having no appetite and I went from 140# down to nearly 125#.  At about the 6 month mark on the Zoloft, I ballooned up to 150#.  It wasn’t that I was eating any more than I had been previously, or that I was eating any worse.  If anything, I’d been eating better!    Anyways, I don’t look too heavy, but courtesy of my PCOS, it has all settled  around my belly.  In the last month or two I’ve been asked several times how far along I am.  *Face Palm*  Xannataos says to take it this way: At least I’m not one of those people that’s plump all over and obviously overweight.   I get what he’s saying, and in a way it does make me feel better (does that make me a bad person?).


Anyways, tomorrow is Cardio Day, so I’m going to try to do about 60 minutes on the bike!  Wish me luck!

Does this post make me a Sub? What with all the humiliation and all….

Published February 22, 2011 by Hemlock

Nearly a month ago I announced that I would be making another attempt at losing weight. Well, I haven’t been so successful. Sure, I was pretty sick for the last two weeks with the flu, which didn’t want to go away, but that still means that there’s a couple of weeks when I could have been exercising.

So, to make another attempt at motivating myself, I’ve decided that public humilation is in order. Yes, I will post ALL of my stats. This means weight, and body measurements (and no, I didn’t cheat by sucking in my stomach, though I wish I had). I will not be posting any before and after pics as that’s just depressing and no one wants to see that. So, here we go!

All measurements/weight are with just undergarments as of 2-22-11:

  • Height: 5’2″
  • Weight: 139# (down from 142#)
  • Bust: 38.75″
  • Abdomen: 38.5″
  • Waist: 38″
  • Hips: 40″
  • Left Thigh: 23.5″
  • Right Thigh: 24″
  • Left Bicep: 11.75″
  • Right Bicep: 11.75″

I don't own this pic... it's just random but pretty close to what I was when I was at my worst.

Now, the only think I will be monitoring on a weekly basis will be my weight, but I’m going to try not to worry too much about it as it will vary depending on where I am in my cycle (yay for being a chick?), and if I’m actually managing to put on any muscle. I figure that every two weeks I’ll check inches. I’m also re-evaluating whether I need to worry so much about a goal weight so much as reducing my stomach. Courtesy of my PCOS, that’s where the bulk of my weight is, and it’s disgusting and will be the most difficult to lose.

At the same time, I need to worry about monitoring my food intake without triggering my Anorexia. That’s going to be very difficult. As it is, I’ve been up since about 10am and I haven’t eaten; not even candy or crackers… nothing. This is not a good sign for me. So, I’ll make myself some Top Ramen and make myself eat it, and try and get some fluids into me. I’ve gotten some juices for Xannatos, and I think I may just snag some of that to see if I can trigger my appetite and get some fluids into me. I’m really bad about my fluids and constantly run dehydrated. I just can’t stand water, though. Oh well, I’ll figure it out.

Part of me wonders if my struggles with getting motivated to lose weight stem out of my desire to avoid being anorexic again.  To be honest, it really scares me, and makes me wonder if I need to see someone to help me with the weight loss.  You know, like a nutritionist or something.  I dunno. I just really have issues, I guess.


Published February 7, 2011 by Hemlock

I’m sitting at my local Border’s Bookstore and I’m supposed to be doing homework. I’ll be blunt, it’s not the most engaging topic to study, but the origin of mass media is important to understand in journalistic society.

When it comes to studying stuff of this nature, I find myself frequently taking a brief moment to look about me, hrough the window across from me and take in what I can in the most unobtrusive way. I really just let it soak in.

It’s especially hard for me to concentrate today due to some extremely unfortunate news I received; three things really. The first being that I’m not pregnant. This, in and of itself, was expected but it’s hard not to be let down just a little. Second, this means my PCOS is acting up and this isn’t good. I stopped taking the Metformin/Glumetza because of how sick it was making me. Yes, it was working, but what good is it doing when I’m literally ill every waking, and even every sleeping, moment? Lastly, my old dog Otter will most likely be put to sleep today. She lives with my mom, and she’s so old we’ve all lost track of how old she actually is. About a week or so ago, she sneezed some blood so she was taken to the vet and told that it was most likely just an infection of some sort so she was sent on her way with antibiotics. Well, apparently today she started sneezing and this started a bloody nose they couldn’t get stopped at home. So off to the vet she goes again. The vet is now officially thinking Cancer. It’s been on the table for about a year now, but this is the first real documented outward sign of an issue. Ultrasounds and tests had been done previously, but nothing came back definitive. So, considering her age, my mother has decided that she’ll most likely put her to sleep instead of having to really watch her suffer like Xannatos and I had to do with Tsuki. I envy the ability my mother has to keep her dog from feeling the pain of that horrible disease. It all went so fast with Tsuki that we never had the option. By the time we knew what was going on, she was ready to pass on her own… this lasted only 2-3 months from the time of “something not right” to ” this is intestinal lymphoma”.

It’s times like these that it’s very easy to forget how beautiful the world is. This is something that I don’t normally notice. My vision isn’t the best, particularly my long distance vision. Once you get about 3-4 feet away my vision starts to blur and eventually just looks like some impressionistic painting. I don’t even have the same depth of color that I used to and glasses are a nightmare for me. My view of life, in general, was about like my vision.

Today, though… today I had a physical reminder of how vibrant life can be. I have some new contacts that I’m trying out, and when I looked up for the first time after a bit of reading it really caught me off guard. Everything was so sharp and in focus… I could see colors where before there had been only dull impressions. This is the first time I’ve been able to see clearly in, literally, years.

So, despite the negatives of the day, I thought back to the positives of the day: Waking up with my husband beside me, the big goofy grin my pup greeted me with this morning, the new shampoo and conditioner I bought (that makes me smell like cookies!), and best of all the fact that I got to have lunch with my husband and a friend today (who apparently mutates my blogs into some Brittish woman… at least I have a cool accent now?!).

Remembering the positive makes it easier to remember that everything works out in the end. Granted, it may not work out how I would prefer it, but that’s okay. I guess sometimes we just need that physical reminder.

In The Beginning…

Published July 15, 2010 by Hemlock

Okay, so miscarriage #5 is over. I go in for another blood draw tomorrow to make sure that my hormone levels are back down to zero, and then onto birth control. It’s time for a break. I’ve become so jaded with the whole thing, that I wasn’t even really that upset this time. The reality of the matter is that I was upset I wasn’t upset. So, in the nature of things, it’s time to take a step back away from the obsession and breath for a bit.

I have some new goals, mostly related to fitness, which not only will help me to feel better, but will potentially help with the fertility stuff. I used to be in fantastic shape, and was even on the skinny side, then life happened, and that whole maturing woman thing happened, and I gained weight. So, putting it out there for all to see, I’m making a commitment to myself to get active gain, and lose some weight. I’d love to start running again, though it’s been a while and I’m not positive that my knee can handle it (1100 pounds of horse falling on it might have had something to do with that 😛 ). In the meantime, I’ll start working on my cardio, and making exercise fun again, and then try to start getting up before it gets hot and take the dog out for a walk and/or light jog in the morning.

In The Beginning Hemlock’s Measurements! (cause we all want to know this!):
Age: 26
Height: 5′ 3″
Weight: 130-134 depending on the scale
Measurements: 38-34.5-38
Waist to Hip Ratio: 0.9
Ideal Weight: 120
Ideal Waist to Hip Ratio: 0.8

My goal is to check in at least once a week on here for the exercise/fitness end of things. This’ll be an interesting experience, as I’ve never had to actually try to get in shape. I’ve always been VERY active, and had a naturally fast metabolism, so I don’t know what happened aside from the PCOS, which I know has a lot to do with it. Due to that, it’s going to be an uphill battle because I’m not fighting just overeating or lack of activity; but I’m literally fighting my body.

Well, here we go!