All posts tagged pregnancy

Baby Steps

Published February 23, 2012 by Hemlock

We’ve all heard the news about Mo and it’s heartbreaking, however, I’ve found that I need to separate myself from it a bit.  Maybe it’s a bit selfish, but the more I thought about what happened to her, the more I thought about the possibility of it happening to me.

I can’t handle that possibility right now.

I’m back on my meds, and I’m glad.  I feel a bit more stable and put together, though it concerns me.  I worry that I won’t be able to stop them, and then I worry about what kind of effect that’s going to have on any potential pregnancies.  It’s the struggle in my brain of knowing that being depressed while pregnant isn’t good, but then there’s the risk of birth defects… *sigh*

Anyways, I know that right now I need to be on my meds.  I was quickly spiraling into a dark pit and didn’t realize it.  I was flipping between moods constantly, I was eating continually (I put on about 10# in a month), I wasn’t cleaning the house, and I was snapping at my dog.  If I had gotten pregnant, I don’t think I could have handled another miscarriage.  I wouldn’t have committed suicide or anything, but I don’t think the results would have been good.

I freely admit that my outlook on TTC is grim.  After the number of unsuccessful pregnancies I’ve had, it’s inevitable.  I don’t really know how I feel about that.  Part of me wants to stay positive, but there’s a part of me that wants, and needs, to stay realistic.  I worry about what will happen if I do manage to hold onto a pregnancy… will I be able to bond with my unborn child?  Am I doomed to suffer from post-partum depression?

When I was active on the Craigslist forums, there was a woman who, like me, had suffered through 6 or 7 miscarriages before she finally went on to have a baby boy.  She disappeared for a while, but a few months later I was able to get into contact with her, and found out that she’d been through some serious post-partum issues but was doing better.  Am I doomed to this as well?

I don’t know… only time will tell.  All I know, now, is that I need to take baby steps.  First and foremost, I need to get myself under control and I need to drop weight.  I’ve opted for the non-medicated PCOSer’s path, so I need to get my insulin levels under control, and the only way I can do that is to drop some weight and get a handle on my eating.

Baby steps, right?


Oh No…

Published February 21, 2012 by Hemlock

I originally was going to post about my own issues today, but after reading Elphie’s update/post about Mo, my issues now seem insignificant.  My heart aches for her, and I can’t possibly imagine the pain and suffering she’s going through right now.  To finally get this far, and then have it all come crashing down.  I don’t know what I would do in her place.

On a side note, I’m back on my happy pills.  I was incredibly hyper-emotional, and was spiraling downhill very quickly.  Again, though, it all seems quite insignificant compared to what Mo is going through.

Wasn’t ready for this…

Published January 13, 2012 by Hemlock

I’ve been doing pretty good off my meds.  Having bad days here and there, but today was a pretty bad day.  I was struggling with dwelling on things, and it took some serious effort to even get dressed this morning/afternoon when I got up.

So far, I’ve done pretty good when it comes to reading blogs, though I admit that I no longer get notifications when a new blog is posted.  This way I can view them when I’m ready vs. having my Inbox blast various announcements at me.  It’s worked thus far.  

I read MO’s latest blog (and I’m very happy for her), and I think it’s amazing how she’s trying her hardest to be considerate of her Facebook friends who are going through, or have struggled with, IF and whatnot.  It’s still a bit rough to read, but it was very sweet, and really just shows what an amazing person she is (and what an amazing Mom she’s going to be).

Anyways, I was busy playing Skryim, and figured I’d take a little break to go wake Xannatos up from his nap and I had my Facebook page open.  Do you know what accosted me the moment I had alt-tabbed out of my game?  A smart-assed-cutsy pregnancy announcement from one of the girls I went to school with.  I immediately broke down.  Seriously, I’m still fighting back tears.  I know that it was inevitable that she would get pregnant, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they had been struggling with IF as she was very overweight (frankly, she was obese), but it was like someone threw a right hook at me – repeatedly.  She posted three pictures… one was of four separate pregnancy tests all showing positive results.  The next was a picture of her and her husband (also an old high school friend) holding up a a single sheet of paper with a giant and colorful ‘R’ on it and completing that pic was my friend holding up a Prego spaghetti sauce jar.  The last was a picture of just my friend holding the Prego jar. They were both clearly overjoyed and happy, but I couldn’t stop myself for hating them for just a moment.

I’ve never been faced with a Facebook Pregnancy Announcement, and you know what?  It really fucking sucks.  I’m so jealous that I’ll never be able to be that happy about being pregnant (should it happen again)… I’m jealous that they feel comfortable enough to post an announcement in the first place.  I hope for, and wish them, the best but at the same time I’m incredibly hurt.  I know that she’s not trying to hurt me (though she does know about my struggles, and we’ve talked about it before), but because she knows, it somehow makes the announcement more hurtful.


6th Times the Charm

Published June 13, 2011 by Hemlock

Apparently, my body has been busy while I’ve been away from the Blogverse. Very, very busy.

How do I know this? Well, you see, through a crazy random happenstance I took a pregnancy test. It was just sitting there calling to me. I haven’t cycled in nearly three months because I thought it was just my PCOS acting up. Turns out it either wasn’t, or it was, and then righted itself a bit.

The test this morning was positive. I seriously didn’t believe it when I saw it. I’d finally hit this point where I was ready to wait for a bit… enjoy the Happy Pills that the Doc had put me on. I took a digital test this morning just before work to verify the results and that one came up ‘Pregnant’. I’m still reeling a bit. I don’t know what to think. I feel great, I’m exhausted, I’m terrified, I’m happy, I’m terrified (yes, I said that twice)…

I don’t want to miscarry again. If I do, it’ll be Number 6. I just don’t want to go there. I’m hoping against everything that since this was essentially an ‘accident’ that it’ll be the one that stays around. Who knows, though. All I can do is hope.

P.S. Those of you who track this blog and know me in person, keep this info quiet. Only VERY immediate family knows- no employers or co-workers.

I think I need a Hard Reboot

Published May 4, 2011 by Hemlock

I think it’s time for a reboot. I’ve been more or less AWOL for quite a while. Yeah, there’s been random posts here and there, but not much. I haven’t even really been keeping up on my subscriptions.

I’ve been incredibly depressed.

My PCOS has taken a turn for the worse and I’m currently on Day 50-something with no positive pregnancy test. I know I’m not pregnant… I’ve been pregnant enough times now to know. I’m up to nearly 152 pounds despite me eating practically nothing (yeah, that’s the Anorexia creeping up on me, what can I say?). I should probably go to my RE, but all he’s going to do is tell me to go back on the Metformin and I can’t do that. It makes me physically ill; and not just during the adjustment period. I was on it for nearly 2-3 years and I was incredibly sick the entire time. I can’t live like that.

I need to exercise, but I have no motivation. You’d think that the desire to lose weight and get my cycles on track would be enough, but it isn’t. All I can think is, “What’s the point?” I’m almost five years into this God forsaken journey with five miscarriages under my belt, what makes me think it’s going to do any good? I mean, the way I figure, I’ll be losing weight so that I can be skinny when I miscarry again? What’s the point?

I was talking to Xannatos the other day about wanting to read stories about women who didn’t get their baby(s) in the end. I know it’s morbid, but I’m so tired of hearing about everyones happy endings. I just want to know that I’m not alone. I want to know of women who are still fighting the fight, or who are coming to terms with the fact that there’s just no point anymore. I want to know that some women just keep miscarrying. This far into the game, there’s a pretty solid chance that I won’t be having children. Adoption is out, surrogacy is out… I know I could try a round or two of IVF but I just don’t see the point (and we don’t have the money). I really don’t. What’s the point of paying thousands of dollars for IVF and PGD testing when I’m 99.99% sure I’m just going to miscarry again?

I know that I’m supposed to be coming to terms with everything by now, but it just seems like it’s getting harder.

Last week was National Infertility Awareness Month and there were loads of ‘myths’ being busted. There were a ton of them dealing with choosing to live a childless existence. You know what? It’s not a choice. People with infertility don’t choose be live without children. It’s forced upon us. I may choose to give up because it’s financially unfeasible, but I don’t choose to not be a Mother.

I’m tired of everything… I’m tired of people lying to themselves about stuff. I guess this makes me an incredibly jaded, angry, misguided, horrible person. I don’t know. Maybe it does, but it’s how I feel.

Blood tests and MMO’s

Published February 4, 2011 by Hemlock

So, I had an appointment with my OBGyn today and she sent me out for a Beta-hcg test.  She thinks that there’s a strong possibility that I might be pregnant due to ovulating late.  I told her what was going on with my temps, and she thinks that based upon my history it’s entirely possible that I started to ovulate but something postponed it until later in my cycle.  She also said it’s a possibility that I had a true chemical pregnancy wherein sperm and egg faked out my hormones enough to delay AF but didn’t produce enough HCG to trigger a positive on a HPT.  Lastly, she said it was also possible that my PCOS is acting up a little, but that my ovaries felt fine, and since I wasn’t experiencing any pain at all she doubts that it’s a cyst.  So, we’ll know more on Monday when she calls.  If it comes back negative on Monday she’ll start me on something to bring on AF.

In other news, I was accepted into one of the Rift closed beta test today!  So far, I’m really enjoying it.  The game reminds me strongly of a combination of EverQuest (before Sony Online broke it), and EverQuest II.  I don’t know too much about graphics at this point as my computer isn’t capable of doing anything but their lowest setting, but it’s not bothering me at all.  Frankly, the game-play is engaging enough that I haven’t even noticed the graphics quality (or lack thereof).  There are tons of classes and class combos to choose from, and overall actually seems to be quite polished for a beta run.  I believe that their release date is sometime later this month, and I’m quite tempted to keep playing.  I was also involved in the WoW closed and open beta (and DnD Online alpha testing) and can honestly say that my experience with Rift has been much more enjoyable.    The mobs actually require some thought in order to defeat them in noob areas, and the leveling is realistic.  It took me about 1.5 hours or so to go from level 1 to level 6.  In WoW I can level a character from 1-6 in 30 minutes.   The quests are also a bit more streamlined and build off of each other very well.  You don’t find yourself running back and forth between quest givers an insane amount; basically, even though you’re technically grinding, it doesn’t feel like it.  If they send me to an area to do the quest, they give me all of the quests for that specific location.  I also haven’t felt like I’ve been doing the same quest over, and over, and over again.  It’s a nice change.

I think… I think I might be on the mend

Published January 21, 2011 by Hemlock

I think I’ve had a little bit of a breakthrough. I’m home today… kind of in limbo waiting for either AF or a positive pregnancy test. I’m 19DPO, at least that’s what Fertility Friend says but who really knows. I took another pregnancy test just to see what I got since the last one at 15 DPO looked like it might have had a line on it, but was most likely an evap line. Same story today. I’m not going to call the doctor since I don’t see a point, and even if it is positive, I’m not going to schedule any early appointments or have any early blood draws done. It’ll either work out, or it won’t, and nothing the doctors can do will help. So far, progesterone supplements haven’t done anything for me so I’m not worried about taking them.

The above paragraph wasn’t my breakthrough, though. When I came out of the bathroom today from peeing on the cursed stick TLC’s A Baby Story was on.

Now, after my first miscarriage I was addicted to the show in a very unhealthy way. I was obsessed with watching all these successful pregnancies and births, and it was just torture. I think I did it to myself out of Survivors Guilt, or something. Eventually, I realized that I really needed to stop, and I’ve haven’t watched the show since 2007. Sure, I’ve seen a few episodes here and there, but I’ve never sought the show out, and when it comes on I change the channel. No point in starting the cycle over again, and no point in causing myself pain.

Here I am, four years later, and it’s on again. You know what, though? I didn’t change the channel because I was legitimately interested in the outcome of the episode. I didn’t find myself angry at her for being pregnant. Instead, I found myself upset that her pregnancy and delivery didn’t go as planned and then happy for her when she finally got to meet her little one.

… Okay, maybe a smidgen jealous if I’m going to be completely honest with myself.

I think I’m okay with this turn of events. I think I’ve had a chance to settle a bit across the last four years. Each miscarriage has gotten easier to deal with. It’s unfortunate, but after five miscarriages and four years, a person can only stress out so much.