All posts tagged TTC

Baby Steps

Published February 23, 2012 by Hemlock

We’ve all heard the news about Mo and it’s heartbreaking, however, I’ve found that I need to separate myself from it a bit.  Maybe it’s a bit selfish, but the more I thought about what happened to her, the more I thought about the possibility of it happening to me.

I can’t handle that possibility right now.

I’m back on my meds, and I’m glad.  I feel a bit more stable and put together, though it concerns me.  I worry that I won’t be able to stop them, and then I worry about what kind of effect that’s going to have on any potential pregnancies.  It’s the struggle in my brain of knowing that being depressed while pregnant isn’t good, but then there’s the risk of birth defects… *sigh*

Anyways, I know that right now I need to be on my meds.  I was quickly spiraling into a dark pit and didn’t realize it.  I was flipping between moods constantly, I was eating continually (I put on about 10# in a month), I wasn’t cleaning the house, and I was snapping at my dog.  If I had gotten pregnant, I don’t think I could have handled another miscarriage.  I wouldn’t have committed suicide or anything, but I don’t think the results would have been good.

I freely admit that my outlook on TTC is grim.  After the number of unsuccessful pregnancies I’ve had, it’s inevitable.  I don’t really know how I feel about that.  Part of me wants to stay positive, but there’s a part of me that wants, and needs, to stay realistic.  I worry about what will happen if I do manage to hold onto a pregnancy… will I be able to bond with my unborn child?  Am I doomed to suffer from post-partum depression?

When I was active on the Craigslist forums, there was a woman who, like me, had suffered through 6 or 7 miscarriages before she finally went on to have a baby boy.  She disappeared for a while, but a few months later I was able to get into contact with her, and found out that she’d been through some serious post-partum issues but was doing better.  Am I doomed to this as well?

I don’t know… only time will tell.  All I know, now, is that I need to take baby steps.  First and foremost, I need to get myself under control and I need to drop weight.  I’ve opted for the non-medicated PCOSer’s path, so I need to get my insulin levels under control, and the only way I can do that is to drop some weight and get a handle on my eating.

Baby steps, right?


Ignore my typos… I plead fuzziness due to cold meds!

Published February 1, 2011 by Hemlock

So, it looks like baby-making is going to be put on hold for a few months. AF still hasn’t shown up, and I’ve gained a fair amount of weight. In addition to this, hubby and I are planning on using the tax money to go on vacation back to my hometown of Santa Cruz, CA. We were talking, and I really don’t want to be concerned about drinking, or about having to deal with another miscarriage during the vacation so we’re taking yet another break.

It’s not something that I’m entirely thrilled with, but it’s needed. I need to get my weight back under control, and for once we have the money to enjoy our time spent out of town. I think it’s a good idea, but I’m not entirely fond of it.

My weight concerns me, and I think the lack of AF is due to my PCOS flaring up. Once I get over 137 I seem to start having problems so I need to get my weight down and get myself cycling like a normal human again. Not just that, but my PCOS puts me at a high risk for gestational diabetes, and if I can get my weight under control it’s entirely possible that I won’t have to worry so much about GD should I get pregnant.

My exercising and eating has been going well, but I got hit hard with either the Flu or a really bad cold on Sunday, so I’ve been pretty much bed ridden and haven’t been eating much. Today the scale said 140 with clothes on, so I’m hoping that my illness has been at least a little helpful. My goal for tomorrow, as long as I’m feeling up to it, is to hit the backyard with the dog again and throw the ball around for her. The little bit of necessary shopping we had to do today really took it out of me, but I’ hoping I’ll be feeling a bit better tomorrow.

As much as I love reading, sleeping, and paying video games, there’s really only so much a person can take. I’m just glad it wasn’t a stomach bug!

What to do?

Published January 20, 2011 by Hemlock

I need to get back into shape… desperately. Xannatos and I went on a walk yesterday and took the dog down to the dog park. I don’t know how far it is one way… probably just under a mile, but I was so tired by the time we got back. I weighed myself yesterday, only to discover that I’d gone from about 132 pounds with clothes on to 140 pounds with just a damn towel on my head. All of this weight was acquired across the last two or so months. Not okay. Not at all.

Problem is, I don’t know where to start. Due to all the miscarriages, and the TTC and such, I find it hard to get started. Depending on where I am in my cycle, I don’t want to do anything too strenuous, but at the same time, I know that for me, walking just isn’t proactive enough. For example, a friend of mine gave me access to the P90X series, and from what my sister told me, it seriously kicks your ass. I’d also like to start running, but with my knee, I don’t know if that’ll be possible.

My biggest issue with all of this, is that I hate being stuck in the house. I really do. I’ve always been an active person; well, I was up until about eight years ago. However, I’ve never been one of those at-home-exercisers. I’ve always done something like Archery, Softball, Figure Skating, and anything horse related. This whole exercising at home thing is new to me, and seems incredibly boring. I don’t do bored well.

On top of that, article after article states that you shouldn’t do strenuous exercise while TTC or while pregnant. How the hell am I supposed to lose weight? I know, I know watch what I eat and drink more combined with low impact exercise should be enough. Not for me! It’s not active enough.

It’s almost as if I have only two modes: “Sedentary” or “Go, Go Go!” and neither one of these fits in my lifestyle anymore.