Scenic Route

Well, my hotel room is booked!

I’m excited.  I’ll be taking a trip to Oregon to get Mocha the I-131 Radioactive Iodine Treatment for her Hyperthyroidism next week.  I can’t wait to go, and I’ll have the dog with me.  That’s the best part, I won’t be lonely!  I’ll have the camera, and plan to take my time getting there (I’ll leave early enough to hit the pretty places during daylight).  I want to stop and see the sights and get my fill of the color green!

It’s snowing here right now, which is nice, and Xannatos called into work this morning.  We tried to get into town twice, but there were so many accidents blocking the highway into town that it just wasn’t possible.  So, overall, today is a good day.  We’ll be going into town later on for some groceries.

I’m finally starting to see limited side effects from the Zoloft.  I’m not nauseous constantly, but it’s still affecting my appetite.  I can’t seem to eat more than a few bites before it starts to turn my stomach, and I find that I’m not hungry all the time.  Maybe some of this weight will come off!

Also, I got ahold of some raw milk!  I’m stoked.  When I was younger I suffered from a severe milk allergy and so I was raised on raw goats milk.  I remember liking it, but when I’ve tried it again in the past I’ve only had access to that pasteurized crap in the store – and it’s disgusting!  Anyways, I can drink milk now, though I do get a little stuffy and nauseous when I do, but I can still enjoy it.  So, when my mom said she found a raw milk supplier close by I was stoked.

Here in NV it’s illegal to sell raw milk for human consumption.  We lucked out and just happened to find someone just over stateline that we basically pay for a ‘lease’ on the cow, and therefore we can drink the milk from said cow.  I can’t believe the taste difference!  Seriously, we drank some, still warm from the cow, and it didn’t have a weird flavor, or smell.  It also didn’t leave behind any aftertaste or any weird film in your mouth like the store bought stuff.

I got curious about the possibility of the benefits for insulin resistance and though I haven’t search hard, I’ve found some promising information!

Baby Steps

We’ve all heard the news about Mo and it’s heartbreaking, however, I’ve found that I need to separate myself from it a bit.  Maybe it’s a bit selfish, but the more I thought about what happened to her, the more I thought about the possibility of it happening to me.

I can’t handle that possibility right now.

I’m back on my meds, and I’m glad.  I feel a bit more stable and put together, though it concerns me.  I worry that I won’t be able to stop them, and then I worry about what kind of effect that’s going to have on any potential pregnancies.  It’s the struggle in my brain of knowing that being depressed while pregnant isn’t good, but then there’s the risk of birth defects… *sigh*

Anyways, I know that right now I need to be on my meds.  I was quickly spiraling into a dark pit and didn’t realize it.  I was flipping between moods constantly, I was eating continually (I put on about 10# in a month), I wasn’t cleaning the house, and I was snapping at my dog.  If I had gotten pregnant, I don’t think I could have handled another miscarriage.  I wouldn’t have committed suicide or anything, but I don’t think the results would have been good.

I freely admit that my outlook on TTC is grim.  After the number of unsuccessful pregnancies I’ve had, it’s inevitable.  I don’t really know how I feel about that.  Part of me wants to stay positive, but there’s a part of me that wants, and needs, to stay realistic.  I worry about what will happen if I do manage to hold onto a pregnancy… will I be able to bond with my unborn child?  Am I doomed to suffer from post-partum depression?

When I was active on the Craigslist forums, there was a woman who, like me, had suffered through 6 or 7 miscarriages before she finally went on to have a baby boy.  She disappeared for a while, but a few months later I was able to get into contact with her, and found out that she’d been through some serious post-partum issues but was doing better.  Am I doomed to this as well?

I don’t know… only time will tell.  All I know, now, is that I need to take baby steps.  First and foremost, I need to get myself under control and I need to drop weight.  I’ve opted for the non-medicated PCOSer’s path, so I need to get my insulin levels under control, and the only way I can do that is to drop some weight and get a handle on my eating.

Baby steps, right?

Oh No…

I originally was going to post about my own issues today, but after reading Elphie’s update/post about Mo, my issues now seem insignificant.  My heart aches for her, and I can’t possibly imagine the pain and suffering she’s going through right now.  To finally get this far, and then have it all come crashing down.  I don’t know what I would do in her place.

On a side note, I’m back on my happy pills.  I was incredibly hyper-emotional, and was spiraling downhill very quickly.  Again, though, it all seems quite insignificant compared to what Mo is going through.

I’ve been down with the Flu for about two weeks now.  Yeah, somewhere around two weeks.  It’s caused a horrid ear infection that’s required 2 rounds of antibiotics, and it looks like I’ll be headed back to the doctor, unfortunately.  I still have pressure in my ear, but no pain (small blessing), and this cough just won’t go away.  For as long as I can remember I’ve gotten ear infections.  As a child, they were an incredibly regular occurrence, but my Grandmother refused to get tubes put in (and I thank her for that) figuring that I’d grow out of them.

I didn’t, though.

I generally get one a year, but this is the worst one I’ve had for as long as I can remember.  The really unfortunate part is that I’m incredibly allergic to most antibiotics so treating me is a bit difficult, and for whatever reason, the Azithromycin (Z-Pack)  isn’t kicking it this time.  It’s my ‘go to’ antibiotic, but I think I’ve ‘gone to it’ one too many times.  I’m curious to see what my Doc has in mind.

All in all, being sick has been a bit of a blessing.  I’ve focused more on my sewing, and I’m actually getting somewhere in designing some purses for Hippy-Nerd-Chicks.  The very first purse I made was out of some vintage red corduroy, and I can’t believe how many people asked me where I bought it.  I’ll admit that it was pretty cool telling them that I made it!   This second one turned out pretty cool, too.  It has a large pocket in it to hold various cables for laptops, e-readers, phone chargers and whatnot.  There’s also a pocket dedicated to my Kindle, and a couple more to hold my Epi-Pen, Pepper spray, and phone.  I’ll have to get some pictures… it really did turn out well.

The other hidden blessing of being sick is having the time to do math.  Yup!  You heard me!  Math has always been my weak-link when it comes to school.  My problem is that I want to know why things are done they way they’re done and I just can’t accept the “That’s the way it is!” response.  A while back, Xannatos read an article about a website called Khan’s Academy and I registered at that time, but I was completely unmotivated.  Well, I mind myself motivated now.  As horrible as it sounds, I started at the very beginning and started working my way up.  After a few days I’m now doing math equivalent to 6th grade through Middle School Algebra.  I know it doesn’t seem like much, but for me, it’s a big deal.  I need the math for the pre-vet program, and what’s incredibly frustrating, is that I can do the math associated with the science classes, and it makes sense in that context, but get me outside of science/biology and I can’t do anything.  Hopefully, Khan’s Academy will get me placed at a reasonable level in college and I can get going on the myriad of biology classes I’ll need.

Corbin is doing great.  He has so much personality, and he’s finally trying to play with the dog.  Terra gets so excited and she ends up scaring him on occasion, but they seem to truly enjoy each other’s company.  I’m a little concerned that he may have Feline Herpes, but there’s not much we can do.  He’s still sneezing a bit, but not much, and it could be related to us kicking up all the dander and dust in my sewing room when we moved Littlefoot and Link into the back bedroom (especially since there’s absolutely no corneal ulceration).  If it turns out he does have it, it’s not too big of a deal as one of our cats already has it, and the other was diagnosed as a kitten but hasn’t had any outbreaks since she was very little.  It’s just unfortunate for him if he does.

I hope everyone’s having a good week.  So far, so good over here!

Multipass?

Things are going pretty good over here.  I’ve had some short, but meaningful, discussions with Xannatos about how I’m doing now that I’m completely off of the medication.  I admit that sometimes I wish I were back on the Zoloft, but after talking with Hubby I’ve decided that I don’t need it anymore, and I’m using it more as a crutch.

I did have a horrible-almostwentbackonmymeds-day last Friday.  It was scary.  Really scary, and I began to question a lot of things.  Mocha, our oldest remaining cat has been going through some serious health related issues due to the medication for her Hyperthyroidism, and we came close to losing her.  It was rough, and it was too much.  She’s ok now, and everything’s back to normal – mostly.  She’s completely off of her meds, and when our tax return comes in I’ll be taking her to Oregon for I-131 treatment to get rid of the Hyperthyroidism since she can’t take any medication to manage the disease.

Also, with Xannatos’ support, I’m looking into going back to school for Pre-Vet.  It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but I admit that I’m a little hesitant because I don’t know how it’s going to affect the whole baby thing.  The responsible thing for me to do would be to hold off until I’m completely out of school, but that’s going to take me at least 8-10 years and, frankly, I don’t really see that as an option.  I’m already having enough issues, and I don’t need to add to it me being close to, or in, my 40’s.

Such a handsome boy!

Lastly, on my completely horrible day last Friday, I went to the local Humane Society and met a sweet little kitten named Diego.  I didn’t go looking for a new cat, I just wanted some kitten-antics to help cheer me up, but I should have known better.  He had been returned the day before because the woman who adopted him earlier that week brought him back because he just wasn’t ‘flashy’ enough!  Can you believe that?  Seriously, what a fucktard.

He’s been renamed Corbin Dallas, and is currently quarantined in my sewing room with the birds and rats.  He had a bit of a lesson with Turtle (one of my rats) who it turns out is going a bit senile, and he’s leaving the birds alone for the most part.  His first trial has been Terra, our dog.

One thing you need to know about Terra is that she’s a huge Love, and her best friend is our cat, Kira.  When I first introduced the new kitten to her two days ago, she went up to him nose-first and scared the crap out of the kitten and his response was to thwap her across the nose.  It really caught the dog off guard!

However, she wasn’t about to let that get in the way of making friends. Across roughly 6-7 hours, she inched ever closer to the new addition. I kid you not! This dog started at the doorway by the rat cages, and every little bit would move an inch or so closer to the kitten who was laying in the dog’s bed underneath my ironing board. By the end of the day, she had gotten so far as actually touching the bed without him hissing. As of last night, as long as she doesn’t move too quickly, Corbin is alright with her, and he’s even taken to attacking the tip of her tail. She doesn’t quite know what to make of that, as she knows it’ll just be another scratch if she looks at him, but you can tell she’s quite pleased at the contact!

Lastly, Corbin went to the vet for some sniffles. The vet thinks it’s most likely a reaction to all the dander in the room, but considering Mocha, she wanted to hit him with an oral antibiotic and some eye goop. He’s not too thrilled about that, to say the least. I also asked her if he was actually 8 weeks old or not. She agreed that he was quite large at almost 4 pounds, but his teeth are very much those of an 8 week old kitten. So, she said that normally, a kitten gains one pound a month, but that in his case he’s just going to be a big cat. He’s a solid little boy, without an ounce of fat on him!

Bittersweet

I think I’m doing better today.  The stress of last night has messed up my system a bit so I’m a bit queasy and having to force myself to eat (gotta love homemade ginger tea).  Other than that, I feel a bit more stable and was able to pop onto Facebook today and see my friend’s post and actually feel a bit of bittersweet happiness for her… it’s a step in the right direction.

Today, I plan on eating a couple of Double Cheeseburgers from Burger King, and continuing my therapy of Skyrim, possibly some Dark Ages of Camelot, and quite possibly watch some Firefly!  I have absolutely no plans to exercise today!

It really is interesting to see the kind of perspective you can gain by simply taking a time out and sleeping it off.  It still hurts, but it’s ok.

Wasn’t ready for this…

I’ve been doing pretty good off my meds.  Having bad days here and there, but today was a pretty bad day.  I was struggling with dwelling on things, and it took some serious effort to even get dressed this morning/afternoon when I got up.

So far, I’ve done pretty good when it comes to reading blogs, though I admit that I no longer get notifications when a new blog is posted.  This way I can view them when I’m ready vs. having my Inbox blast various announcements at me.  It’s worked thus far.  

I read MO’s latest blog (and I’m very happy for her), and I think it’s amazing how she’s trying her hardest to be considerate of her Facebook friends who are going through, or have struggled with, IF and whatnot.  It’s still a bit rough to read, but it was very sweet, and really just shows what an amazing person she is (and what an amazing Mom she’s going to be).

Anyways, I was busy playing Skryim, and figured I’d take a little break to go wake Xannatos up from his nap and I had my Facebook page open.  Do you know what accosted me the moment I had alt-tabbed out of my game?  A smart-assed-cutsy pregnancy announcement from one of the girls I went to school with.  I immediately broke down.  Seriously, I’m still fighting back tears.  I know that it was inevitable that she would get pregnant, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they had been struggling with IF as she was very overweight (frankly, she was obese), but it was like someone threw a right hook at me – repeatedly.  She posted three pictures… one was of four separate pregnancy tests all showing positive results.  The next was a picture of her and her husband (also an old high school friend) holding up a a single sheet of paper with a giant and colorful ‘R’ on it and completing that pic was my friend holding up a Prego spaghetti sauce jar.  The last was a picture of just my friend holding the Prego jar. They were both clearly overjoyed and happy, but I couldn’t stop myself for hating them for just a moment.

I’ve never been faced with a Facebook Pregnancy Announcement, and you know what?  It really fucking sucks.  I’m so jealous that I’ll never be able to be that happy about being pregnant (should it happen again)… I’m jealous that they feel comfortable enough to post an announcement in the first place.  I hope for, and wish them, the best but at the same time I’m incredibly hurt.  I know that she’s not trying to hurt me (though she does know about my struggles, and we’ve talked about it before), but because she knows, it somehow makes the announcement more hurtful.

 

Stalled

I’ve been temporarily stalled in my exercise routine… to an extent.  The sorenes sin my hamstrings and my pelvis wasn’t going away, and I discovered why that was the case when I went to the chiropractor yesterday.

Apparently, I threw my lower back and hips out.  The most likely culprit was the Yoga I did.  I was so locked up that my chiropractor, we’ll call him Dr. Halo, was unable to get anything to move.  That’s saying something, too.  Dr. Halo is a very solidly build man.  So, I got some extra Stim, and a bit of a run on ‘The Rack’ before leaving.  Almost immediately, though, I was able to walk without pain, so I believe that I had some sort of  pinched nerve.

I was also instructed that I’m not 16 anymore, and that if I think I can do it, I probably can’t at this point!  Since I was so active in gymnastics and equestrian sports when I was younger, he expects that it won’t take me that long to get back to where I was, but I’m to do just standard stretching for the time being and work on getting my core strength back before I try the yoga again.  

So, it’s like exercise for a bit, and then back on to some harder stuff.  I’m kinda bummed, as I was finding that the exercise was doing a lot to lift my mood.  So, since I can’t really exercise, I’ve been listening to music and beebopping around the house.

OH!  For you Skyrim fans out there, I’m sure you’ve heard this already, but if not, you’ll like it!

 

Fitness Day 4

Yeah, I know, I missed the posts for Days 1-3. Nothing very eventful happened those day other than me discovering that I’m not as flexible as I was a 16, and then becoming incredibly sore to the point that I couldn’t move! I did discover, though, that your hamstrings are there to offer stability and support and if they’re compromised balancing during walking, getting out of bed, or off the couch or toilet is an interesting experience.

A Quick Summary

• Day 1: 30 min of Hatha Yoga
• Day 2: 30 min of Hatha Yoga (thought doing some more yoga might help the soreness… not sure it was a good idea)
• Day 3: 30 min on our new semi-recumbent bike. Averaged about 12mph and avg heart rate between 115-120bpm, and depending on how you calculate things, I burned between 300-500 calories.

Now, onto Day 4…
Soundtrack

• Scatmambo – John Scatman
• Typical – Mute Math
• Them – Jem
• Take Me Out – Franz Ferdinand
• Another One Bites The Dust – Queen
• Whip It – Devo
• Inni mer syngur vitleysingur – Sigur Ros
• Stillness Is The Move – Dirty Projectors

I benched a whopping 20# plus the bar, curled another 10#, did some wall pushups, and attempted some other stuff, but my legs just couldn’t handle it… too sore.

 

Overall Summary – My starting weight is 150#.  This is the heaviest I’ve been in years.  Gotta love those depression meds.  When I started them, I had the wonderful side effect of having no appetite and I went from 140# down to nearly 125#.  At about the 6 month mark on the Zoloft, I ballooned up to 150#.  It wasn’t that I was eating any more than I had been previously, or that I was eating any worse.  If anything, I’d been eating better!    Anyways, I don’t look too heavy, but courtesy of my PCOS, it has all settled  around my belly.  In the last month or two I’ve been asked several times how far along I am.  *Face Palm*  Xannataos says to take it this way: At least I’m not one of those people that’s plump all over and obviously overweight.   I get what he’s saying, and in a way it does make me feel better (does that make me a bad person?).

 

Anyways, tomorrow is Cardio Day, so I’m going to try to do about 60 minutes on the bike!  Wish me luck!

Back From My Mini-Vacation

Ocean view from my car window!

My trip to Santa Cruz went well.  I ate good food, and saw interesting people.  Admitedly, it was a bit strange being on ‘vacation’ without Xannatos, but he wasn’t able to go with me (thank you, Mocha!) and he was right in thinking that I needed a little bit of a break from everything.

The drive down was pretty uneventful and I made good time.  I had a chance to meet my tattoo artist and go over some stuff, and in the end we opted to keep the general idea that I was going for, but we ended up completely re-working the tattoo.

I lucked out and ended up with an actual Artist, and I can honestly say that he’ll be completeing my sleeve.  He’s very into the meaning behind the images, and why I’m getting my tattoo.  In addition, I’m getting a good deal since he’s so inspired and the work is turning out so well (pics of good tattoos are worth more than gold in the tattoo world!).

Flash art I went in with

I’ve been very anti-koi tattoos for a long time as it seems that EVERYONE has one, but once I got in and did some research on them and their meaning, I fell in love.  Traditionally, a Koi swims upstream which represents courage and strength against adversity.  In addition we added some water to represent change and rebirth, and the lotus flower (not sure you can see it very well in the pictures) represents overcoming a hard time in life (though I’m not completely over it, but the fact that I can recognize that now says something).  In the end, my sleeve will also have a boulder/rock in it with a Japanese Red Crane standing on it representing wisdom, balance, communication, independence, and fertility.  Lastly, there will most likely be bamboo coming up behind the crane representing strength of character (it bends but doesn’t break).  This isn’t all set in stone (or skin) yet, but this is the general idea that we’re going with.

This is what we ended up with

Rotating my arm...

A bit blurry, but you get the point!