I think I need a Hard Reboot

I think it’s time for a reboot. I’ve been more or less AWOL for quite a while. Yeah, there’s been random posts here and there, but not much. I haven’t even really been keeping up on my subscriptions.

I’ve been incredibly depressed.

My PCOS has taken a turn for the worse and I’m currently on Day 50-something with no positive pregnancy test. I know I’m not pregnant… I’ve been pregnant enough times now to know. I’m up to nearly 152 pounds despite me eating practically nothing (yeah, that’s the Anorexia creeping up on me, what can I say?). I should probably go to my RE, but all he’s going to do is tell me to go back on the Metformin and I can’t do that. It makes me physically ill; and not just during the adjustment period. I was on it for nearly 2-3 years and I was incredibly sick the entire time. I can’t live like that.

I need to exercise, but I have no motivation. You’d think that the desire to lose weight and get my cycles on track would be enough, but it isn’t. All I can think is, “What’s the point?” I’m almost five years into this God forsaken journey with five miscarriages under my belt, what makes me think it’s going to do any good? I mean, the way I figure, I’ll be losing weight so that I can be skinny when I miscarry again? What’s the point?

I was talking to Xannatos the other day about wanting to read stories about women who didn’t get their baby(s) in the end. I know it’s morbid, but I’m so tired of hearing about everyones happy endings. I just want to know that I’m not alone. I want to know of women who are still fighting the fight, or who are coming to terms with the fact that there’s just no point anymore. I want to know that some women just keep miscarrying. This far into the game, there’s a pretty solid chance that I won’t be having children. Adoption is out, surrogacy is out… I know I could try a round or two of IVF but I just don’t see the point (and we don’t have the money). I really don’t. What’s the point of paying thousands of dollars for IVF and PGD testing when I’m 99.99% sure I’m just going to miscarry again?

I know that I’m supposed to be coming to terms with everything by now, but it just seems like it’s getting harder.

Last week was National Infertility Awareness Month and there were loads of ‘myths’ being busted. There were a ton of them dealing with choosing to live a childless existence. You know what? It’s not a choice. People with infertility don’t choose be live without children. It’s forced upon us. I may choose to give up because it’s financially unfeasible, but I don’t choose to not be a Mother.

I’m tired of everything… I’m tired of people lying to themselves about stuff. I guess this makes me an incredibly jaded, angry, misguided, horrible person. I don’t know. Maybe it does, but it’s how I feel.

This post about Easter is going to offend you…

So, today is Easter.  Yup!  Today is the day that you will do one of three things:

1. You will celebrate the resurrection of the Messiah.
If that’s your sort of thing, today you will be celebrating the fact that a bunch of people sacrificed a human (or is he really human? I mean, maybe half human? He is the son of God and last I read He’s not human… anyways) sooooo perfect that he was able to be the Ultimate Sacrifice for everyone’s sins and then rise from the dead three days later (today, for those that are counting).

2. You will ply your children with loads of candy and then lie to them about it.
We seem to enjoy lieing to our youth, and then wonder where they learn to lie. When they’re younger, we tell them that there’s a giant man-sized Easter Bunny Stranger who sneaks into their home while they’re sleeping (or, as it happens, at church for the only time they’ll go that year) and gives them truck loads of candy. He may give it in a single basket, or he may hide it around any given location in fake plastic eggs. Last I remember from being a kid, I was told not to take candy from a stranger. Am I the only one who sees that the Easter Bunny has a bit of a Furry Fetish and enjoys little kids just a little too much?

3. Recognize that Jesus was actually a zombie.
Yes, I said it. I just haven’t decided who would be Patient Zero. I mean, Jesus performed a miracle by raising Lazarus of Bethany from the dead on Day 4. The question is, though, did Jesus somehow infect Lazarus or was Lazarus the first zombie and somehow infected Jesus?

In closing, I really hope that no matter what you feel, or believe, you have a wonderful day biting the heads off of chocolate baby Jesus’ and encouraging your children in the idea that it’s ok not to be afraid of that pedophile who enjoys being a Furry and having little children sitting on his lap so that he can keep pictures of them for later… Oh, and don’t forget to start your stockpile of food and weapons. I know my weapon of choice is a real Japanese Katana!  I’ve used a blade enough that I think I could use it effectively.

The Matriarch Is Gone

Around 8:30 this morning I got a call from my Nana that my Great Grandmother had passed away yesterday.  I believe she was 85 or 86 years old.  Her health had been failing (Diabetes, Macular Degeneration, Heart Disease and various other things) for nearly 10 years.

I will admit that even though she raised me, we weren’t very close.  Yes, I loved her, but our personalities just clashed too much for any long term contact… even over the phone.  We had a bit of a love-hate relationship.  When I talked to her last week, I knew it would be the last time and was patiently awaiting the call.

I won’t lie and say that she was a wonderful person, because she wasn’t.  She was  selfish, judgmental, and manipulative.  However, she was a strong woman, who I had a lot of respect for and she really was the person that shaped me into who I am today (for better or for worse, but you’d have to ask my husband on that one!).  Hell, she was probably the only one that was hard ass enough, at first, to raise me.  I’d probably be doing drugs right now if my mother had raised me (love her, though!).  Instead, I’m an incredibly stubborn, head-strong, smart-ass, strong, resilient woman.

I’m not upset at all, and honestly, it was time that she passed.  She didn’t want to be a burden to anyone, and she never wanted to have to rely on other people and it was getting to that point on all accounts.  As her bitterness progressed across the years, she became less and less pleasant and life with her became more and more drama filled.  I was very angry with her for many years for what she put my Nana through (taking care of three ailing and dieing parents) and it did put a serious strain on our relationship for a very long time.  Even to this day, we never told Grandma when we were coming into town.  We’d go see Nana and that was it.

You know what, though?  No one is perfect… especially someone in my family.

Mom and I still have no idea what exactly happened, but apparently she was found dead in her recliner chair yesterday after a friend had tried repeatedly to call her and wasn’t getting a response.  Nana went down to go check on her, and that’s when she found her.  *shrugs*  We don’t know if her heart finally gave out, or if she… had some help from a little too much insulin.  However it happened, it appears that it was quick and she deserved that much.  She was lonely, and she feared death greatly.

There will be no funeral, as she didn’t want one.  She’ll be cremated, and her ashes will be spread.  There’s not much to do with her apartment as she started giving away everything about 2-3 years ago.  I worry about Nana, as there’s a lot of guilt there, but she’s in Robot Mode right now.  Mom and I may, or may not go down to Santa Cruz to help out however we can, but Nana has said she doesn’t need help.  Whether that’s the case, or not, we’re not sure but we should know soon.

My only regret is that I didn’t give her any Great-Great Grandbabies.  If anything, I feel even more pressure now.  My Grandpa Bill is not much younger than her (and really doesn’t take care of himself, and is a recent cancer survivor), and though he’s not related by blood, he’s the driving male-force in my life… closest thing I’ve ever had to a Father.  I’m not upset in the least about my grandmother (more a sense of relief with her than anything else… does that make me a bad person?), but when my Grandpa Bill passes… That one’s going to be hard.  Really, really hard and at first I thought Nana was calling me to tell me that Grandpa had passed away.  I want so desperately to give him grandbabies, but with every passing month, and every miscarriage the outlook gets worse.  I want my children to know their Grandfather, but I know it’s not going to happen.

Either way, I’m glad that she’s gone and she doesn’t have to worry anymore.

Who Needs Titles?

Been AWOL for a while, but I just really haven’t been motivated to write anything.  Feeling a bit jaded with life and whatnot.

Good news on Mocha.  She has been diagnosed with Idiopathic Hypercalcemia.  It’s a new, and rare, disease that’s being diagnosed in cats raised on kibble foods.  It started popping up in the late 90’s and has become a little bit more common, but often goes undiagnosed until the cat goes into full renal failure due to calcification of the kidneys due to free floating calcium in their system.  So, she’s no longer in the early stages of renal failure, and no cancer either.  The goal is to transfer her onto a raw diet and see how she does.  Cats that are being diagnosed are essentially being used as Guinea Pigs for figuring out how to manage the disease.  We’ll do more blood work in the future, probably in about 6-8 months and we’ll check her blood serum calcium levels.

Other than that, not much more to report.  I’ve essentially dropped out of college; I just don’t care anymore.  Could be that I’m in a funk and I’ll go back next fall, but I don’t know.  I’m not doing anything but paying to learn things I learned in elementary school, jr. high, and high school.  On top of that, the budget cuts have really cut down on available classes so doing stuff online is getting harder and harder.  As far as I’m concerned getting an education is a joke now.  The kids coming out of college with B.A.s and Masters don’t know shit… they’ve just managed to acquire bigger egos.  Bleh.

My job search isn’t going well, either.  Since I was fired from my last position (courtesy of multiple miscarriages) I can’t seem to get past the application portion of any job so I’m at a loss as to what to do.  I don’t work well for other people which doesn’t help, and I’d love to have my own business but I have no idea what I’d do. *shrugs*  Oh well, not much can be done right now.  Back to cleaning house!

I hate life

Things have been absolutely crazy over here (not in a good way), and quite honestly the thought of blogging has made me a bit nauseous. I know it seems like I always write about the negative, but it’s getting to the point where that’s all that seems to happen in life as of late… negative things.

As we speak, Mocha, our 7 year old cat is sitting in a cage at our local emergency vet hooked up to an I.V. and enjoying the narcotic pain killer that she was given earlier this evening. The outlook is not looking good as of my last discussion with the vet. We’re looking at a combination of two things; Lymphoma and Kidney Failure. This will make the second ‘young’ animal that we’ve had that has been diagnosed with some sort of lymphoma, and the second cat to go through kidney failure. Since we can’t get approved for Care Credit, we’ve had to cancel our vacation that was scheduled for later this month and use all of that money to basically find out the worst possible information a person could get.

It really seems like these last few years have been extremely hard. We’ve lost three pets in quick succession (all in tragic ways), we’re losing our home, suffered 5 miscarriages, I got fired (and now can’t find a job because of it)… and a million other little things that all just seem to add up.

I’m done… I’m really just done. A huge part of me wants to give up on ever having children, and I feel like Xannatos and myself are being punished for something.

Quick Update!

Hey everyone. I’ve been missing for a couple of days but didn’t want any of you to think that I was ignoring your comments on my last post. I figured that I’d give you a brief update on everything:

1. As to diet for my weight loss I’m not really ‘dieting’ so much as just making sure that I’m not mindlessly eating or munching on things. My PCOS has cursed me with this desire to at all the time. It’s not as bad when I’m closer to the 135# range. Hell, at that weight, it’s practically gone, but any higher than that I just can’t ever seem to feel full.

2. On the 23rd I was up all night feeling very ill (thought I had food poisoning) and ended up suffering a major blood sugar crash. I mean, so low that I felt like I was on drugs and drunk. I wasn’t even coherant enough to wake up Xannatos to get me a glucose pill or some peanut butter. All week I’ve been feeling like I’m just barely staying above a blood sugar crash.

3. Due to the above situation, I’ve booked an appointment with a new doctor for Monday, and plan to discuss with her what’s going on.

I feel the crash is due to the Anorexia. So, it scared me enough to really kick up my eating yesterday, and I have to admit that I was feeling better. No more waiting for the Crash. I made a point to eat primarily protein with a bit of carbs so that things were a bit smoother. I also made sure to keep drinking so I didn’t get dehydrated as badly. I got up about an hour ago, and will be headed to the kitchen for some Coffee and some Egg Drop Soup, and we’ll go from there.

I’d have to say that this is the first real ‘relapse’ of my Anorexia that I’ve had. Mind you, it’s always been a struggle, but even during all the miscarriages I didn’t really have any problems with it. I don’t know what’s different this time around.

MARIE! I got the chocolate! Thank you VERY much! I had some ready to go for you yesterday, but totally spaced on getting it out. The weather should be clear enough for me to get to the post office on Monday 😀 In answer to your question, I like pretty much all chocolate (can’t stand dark, though) I’m just partial to White. Milk chocolate is nummy, though!

Does this post make me a Sub? What with all the humiliation and all….

Nearly a month ago I announced that I would be making another attempt at losing weight. Well, I haven’t been so successful. Sure, I was pretty sick for the last two weeks with the flu, which didn’t want to go away, but that still means that there’s a couple of weeks when I could have been exercising.

So, to make another attempt at motivating myself, I’ve decided that public humilation is in order. Yes, I will post ALL of my stats. This means weight, and body measurements (and no, I didn’t cheat by sucking in my stomach, though I wish I had). I will not be posting any before and after pics as that’s just depressing and no one wants to see that. So, here we go!

All measurements/weight are with just undergarments as of 2-22-11:

• Height: 5’2″
• Weight: 139# (down from 142#)
• Bust: 38.75″
• Abdomen: 38.5″
• Waist: 38″
• Hips: 40″
• Left Thigh: 23.5″
• Right Thigh: 24″
• Left Bicep: 11.75″
• Right Bicep: 11.75″

I don't own this pic... it's just random but pretty close to what I was when I was at my worst.

Now, the only think I will be monitoring on a weekly basis will be my weight, but I’m going to try not to worry too much about it as it will vary depending on where I am in my cycle (yay for being a chick?), and if I’m actually managing to put on any muscle. I figure that every two weeks I’ll check inches. I’m also re-evaluating whether I need to worry so much about a goal weight so much as reducing my stomach. Courtesy of my PCOS, that’s where the bulk of my weight is, and it’s disgusting and will be the most difficult to lose.

At the same time, I need to worry about monitoring my food intake without triggering my Anorexia. That’s going to be very difficult. As it is, I’ve been up since about 10am and I haven’t eaten; not even candy or crackers… nothing. This is not a good sign for me. So, I’ll make myself some Top Ramen and make myself eat it, and try and get some fluids into me. I’ve gotten some juices for Xannatos, and I think I may just snag some of that to see if I can trigger my appetite and get some fluids into me. I’m really bad about my fluids and constantly run dehydrated. I just can’t stand water, though. Oh well, I’ll figure it out.

Part of me wonders if my struggles with getting motivated to lose weight stem out of my desire to avoid being anorexic again.  To be honest, it really scares me, and makes me wonder if I need to see someone to help me with the weight loss.  You know, like a nutritionist or something.  I dunno. I just really have issues, I guess.

Choices

When I read this article, I debated on whether to post about it or not. You see, it has a very strong potential to rile me up and make me angry and ashamed. For those who don’t want to read the article, it basically comes down to insurance coverage for sex reassignment becoming more and more main stream. This is something that I whole heartedly agree with and think it’s wonderful that people are starting to understand, and recognize, that living in the ‘wrong’ body can be psychologically damaging. I know that people are going to disagree with me, and that’s your choice, but until you have personally known someone who feels/knows they were born in the wrong packaging then you really have no firm ground to stand on.

My guilt, though, my guilt comes from feeling a tad bit slighted. Infertility causes just as much harm psychologically, but once again we’re being tossed to the wayside. A lot of the support trans-gendered people are getting is coming from vociferous human rights groups that we simply don’t have on our side. I have personally know one person who truly felt he’d been born in the wrong shell. To be honest, I agreed with him completely and offered what support I could. To see him suffer every day and try to fit into that mold that society expected of him was very hard. In the end, the decision he made was to suffer through and become successful so he could pay for his own surgery. It acted as a driving force for him, and the last update I got from him was that he was now well on his way to becoming a very successful neurosurgeon. It’s something that he’d wanted to do his entire life, and he was doing it. I haven’t heard from him in several years as we lost touch when I left the state and purposefully lost myself in Nevada to escape a dangerous relationship.

I have to admit that I’m extremely jealous of him because there’s something that can be done for him to make the world right. When it comes to infertility, there’s not much that can happen. Yes, there are some states that have required fertility coverage, but they aren’t many and most only cover the very basic diagnostic testing and procedures (most exclude IVF and PGD testing unless your genetics call for it). In Nevada there are no laws regarding required coverage, it just happens that Xannatos works for one of the most powerful companies in the state so they’ve got money. However, our insurance doesn’t cover what the RE wants us to do, IVF and Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD testing), so we’re pretty much screwed. We might be able to somehow get financing for the IVF, but the PGD testing isn’t something that can be financed, and unless we suddenly discover one of us is from Jewish ancestry, the PGD won’t be covered – ever.

A quick search on the internet shows that most people feel that having children is a choice and that you can live a childless existence just fine. Is that true? Yes. Do we make a choice to have children? Yes. However, the fact of the matter is that infertility is not a choice. At the least, my diagnosis should be covered and in my head, a proper diagnosis includes everything that can be done to see about getting a successful pregnancy. If I try IVF and get the PGD testing done and I still can’t carry, then fine, I don’t care about my coverage (though, I should get a couple of tries considering the actual success rates of healthy people normally). Hell, I mean, if a child is not a requirement, then if you continue with that line of thought shouldn’t your maternity coverage and birth coverage be thrown out the window? I mean, in the end you made the choice to conceive, and if you had an oops! pregnancy then you made the choice to keep it. *shrugs*

Dunno, guess I’m just a bit bitter. The Resolve organisation is a wonderful group, however, they’re just not loud enough. Xannatos thinks I should write a book about my journey, and how it’s affected me (from depression to losing my job over it). Maybe he’s right. I mean, a movement can’t get louder if more people don’t scream. Right?

Dragon Age Crushes and Hermit Crabs

Alrighty… so I’ve definitely fallen behind on my posting, but in my defense it’s been a bit of a rough week.  On Thursday, Xannatos picked up my progesterone so that I could start my drop-off run and jump start AF.  Well, that night I started spotting so we decided to hold off on the medication to see what would happen and guess what?  I had some of the worst cramps I’ve had in a while.  You know, like the kind that make your feet go out from underneath you.  The unfortunate part, is that AF lasted literally hours.  I kid you not… just a few hours, and then she was gone.  The hormonal aspects of AF are still here; at least that’s all I can figure.  I’m just generally depressed and seriously hormotional.

You know how horomotional I am?  Check this out:  We picked up the Ultimate Edition of Dragon Age: Origins (which, by the way, is turning out to be awesome) on Friday, I think, and I now have a serious crush on this guy in the game.  Yes, I know, a totally geeked out thing to do but I have a history of this (Raistlin Majere from DragonLance, Mal from Firefly, Data and Worf from TNG, Joselyn from the Kushiel Trilogy, and many more… what can I say?  I LOVE fictional characters).  I mean, how is it possible to not fall in love with this guy?  He’s just the cutest (in that “Awwwwww” sort of way), most awkward, bumbling yet capable character I’ve seen in a game.  Oh, forgot to mention that the guy is hot and his voice is even hotter!  Yeah, pathetic I know.

Back to what I was saying, though.  I’m playing the game, and the romance is blossoming between my character and his, and then it hits me.  This isn’t going to end well. Nope… no sirrreee… this isn’t going to end well.  Now, this is where the ‘meta’ thinking gets me into trouble.  I’m already feeling incredibly depressed, and now I can’t stop my brain from coming up with every bad ending that could possibly happen in this game and it makes me not so happy.  Like, really, really not happy.  I know he’s just a fictional character but I don’t want to lose him, or have him die! I got so upset that I just wanted to cry, and this made me feel even more horrible because I wanted to cry over a fictional character!  If you really think about it, though, it just shows what an awesome job the developers did with his character.  They’ve done such a great job at character development that this guy has essentially become real!  The sex scene is really quite well done… very touching and romantic.  Honestly, it is!

I got my ChocoBuddy!  Yay!  MommyOdd has done such a wonderful job, and I think this idea is absolutly brilliant!  I really do!  So, here’s a shout-out to my ChocoBuddy over at the Bakery! It’s nice to know that there’s someone close (even if she is in the state next door). Sometimes it seems like we’re all just floating around in the blogsphere, and somehow this makes it all more real.

OH! Xannatos and I discovered Hermit Crabs on Saturday night. Seriously, these little guys are awesome! We were out looking for a new cage for two of our birds, and for whatever reason Xannatos wandered off (that’s usually my job) and as he’s walking by this nifty little terrarium setup he sees something fall out of the corner of his eye. Well, it turns out that it was a Hermit Crab. These little guys apparently love to climb. We’re thinking about getting some, but Xannatos is on the fence post about adding more animals to the Zoo. I, of course, am all for it. If I had any say in the matter, we’d have one of every animal on the planet. Either way, whether we get them now or not, I’m not concerned. They’ll probably end up in the house eventually, if not immediately! They’re just too cool.

Clearheaded

I’m sitting at my local Border’s Bookstore and I’m supposed to be doing homework. I’ll be blunt, it’s not the most engaging topic to study, but the origin of mass media is important to understand in journalistic society.

When it comes to studying stuff of this nature, I find myself frequently taking a brief moment to look about me, hrough the window across from me and take in what I can in the most unobtrusive way. I really just let it soak in.

It’s especially hard for me to concentrate today due to some extremely unfortunate news I received; three things really. The first being that I’m not pregnant. This, in and of itself, was expected but it’s hard not to be let down just a little. Second, this means my PCOS is acting up and this isn’t good. I stopped taking the Metformin/Glumetza because of how sick it was making me. Yes, it was working, but what good is it doing when I’m literally ill every waking, and even every sleeping, moment? Lastly, my old dog Otter will most likely be put to sleep today. She lives with my mom, and she’s so old we’ve all lost track of how old she actually is. About a week or so ago, she sneezed some blood so she was taken to the vet and told that it was most likely just an infection of some sort so she was sent on her way with antibiotics. Well, apparently today she started sneezing and this started a bloody nose they couldn’t get stopped at home. So off to the vet she goes again. The vet is now officially thinking Cancer. It’s been on the table for about a year now, but this is the first real documented outward sign of an issue. Ultrasounds and tests had been done previously, but nothing came back definitive. So, considering her age, my mother has decided that she’ll most likely put her to sleep instead of having to really watch her suffer like Xannatos and I had to do with Tsuki. I envy the ability my mother has to keep her dog from feeling the pain of that horrible disease. It all went so fast with Tsuki that we never had the option. By the time we knew what was going on, she was ready to pass on her own… this lasted only 2-3 months from the time of “something not right” to ” this is intestinal lymphoma”.

It’s times like these that it’s very easy to forget how beautiful the world is. This is something that I don’t normally notice. My vision isn’t the best, particularly my long distance vision. Once you get about 3-4 feet away my vision starts to blur and eventually just looks like some impressionistic painting. I don’t even have the same depth of color that I used to and glasses are a nightmare for me. My view of life, in general, was about like my vision.

Today, though… today I had a physical reminder of how vibrant life can be. I have some new contacts that I’m trying out, and when I looked up for the first time after a bit of reading it really caught me off guard. Everything was so sharp and in focus… I could see colors where before there had been only dull impressions. This is the first time I’ve been able to see clearly in, literally, years.

So, despite the negatives of the day, I thought back to the positives of the day: Waking up with my husband beside me, the big goofy grin my pup greeted me with this morning, the new shampoo and conditioner I bought (that makes me smell like cookies!), and best of all the fact that I got to have lunch with my husband and a friend today (who apparently mutates my blogs into some Brittish woman… at least I have a cool accent now?!).

Remembering the positive makes it easier to remember that everything works out in the end. Granted, it may not work out how I would prefer it, but that’s okay. I guess sometimes we just need that physical reminder.